Helter-Skelter!

Helter-skelter is the word which describes this month so far for me. I opened the 'new post' tab a couple of times, and once even started typing a post but couldn't go beyond a couple of lines. Throughout this week though, I had the awareness that this would be my last weekend to get an entry for February! So here I am, trying to recap what all happened this frantic Feb.

It started with a topsy turvy weekend. Saturday made me feel rubbish & crap. The feeling was strong enough to make come to this place but the day rushed into another one and the context was lost. In fact I am glad that I didn't get the time to put everything I felt/thought down because it would have made me that tiny bit more bitter while writing it (unconsciously reliving the incidents) and many times more by reading the entry. This has made me realise that forgetting voids forgive, so - 'Forget' alone works really well :)
Sunday was a complete contrast - I had a lovely day out. There is nothing like being let loose in London! It was great fun - met some good people, went to interesting places (Harrods!), had hearty meals and laughed quite a bit :) It was a first of its kind day for me. I often go to these spots; sometimes alone, at other times in company of all sorts of people. I think being in company of short stay people who want to take as much of London as they can back with them suddenly made me wake up to the London craze once again :) Inspiring!

The following couple of weeks just whirled by. Weekdays were busy/crazy at work. I do not quite qualify to be a workaholic yet, but I do enjoy being busy at work. It drives me mad when I have to fiddle away time at work because I am waiting on someone before I can make a start. This delay & my own indecision made days at work insufferable. I felt guilty and angry with myself all through. I think my negative energy comes out more evidently than my positive energy. This can make things so sour with colleagues :( I am still a rookie at keeping poise. Miles to go before my 'Miss Congeniality' crown!!
Weekends were practically spent at BR with (many)delicious meals, lovely desserts and gossip along with party preps. Really rushed days yet enjoyable (mostly!).

Then came the week I had been waiting for. I got my 'promoted' at work with a not so gratifying raise. But this wasn't the highlight. The reason to celebrate was dampened by a not-welcome news. (This is exactly what I meant by having to feel the emotions again & since this isn't forgotten - it hurts) So I am not going to elaborate. Just that life moves on - fingers crossed - for bigger, better things.

I was at home today mostly talking to so many people :) I spoke to more than a dozen of relatives & friends. My sweetest little brother so innocently asked me to come over for a longer holiday - it just brought tears to my eyes. I mean he just wants me to come for me - not why my parents want - to get me married, not why my sister wants - to get me a job in India but just because he wants to spend time with me. Love you kiddo :') Thank you so much for being my brother - you are the best! God bless you. In the evening, I got some great news from one of my friends which gave me such a pleasant feeling that I cant simply call it happiness. (touch wood - yeah I am a bit finicky about these!)

There is still a Monday to go in the month about which I am pretty apprehensive, given that how it has gone so far! But Insha Allah - end will be well :)

A new recipe

I started out with 2 cans of chick peas and then decided to rustle up a recipe with complety different ingredients :)

Today I cooked black lentils (sabut masoor) with red kidney beans in an adaptation of dal makhni. First, I diced the onions (I wish I had a food processor to have made it even finer) and stir fried it in a couple of table spoons of oil with cumin seeds.
I had to let it cook on gas mark 4 slowly for about 20 minutes until all of it was evenly golden-translucent.

Then added canned chopped tomatoes in juice and half a cup of tomatoes and left it to simmer for another 15-20 minutes (or until the water evaporated and the gravy thickened).

In the mean while I pressure cooked the kindey beans and lentils so that they are soft and mushy.

Next, in a separate pan I heated another couple of table spoons of oil. Then put in cloves, bay leaves, cumin, turmeric, chilli powder, coriander powder and some cinnamon sticks. Once the spices were fried/roasted I added the cooked lentils and beans and mixed in with the gravy prepared earlier.

At this stage one could add yogurt or creame to make it 'makhni' but I chose not to.
Again I left the whole thing to cook for another 20 minutes (while I did the dishes!!)

Once the heat was off I added some garam masala and lime juice before pouring it in the container.

Yummy!

The Sunday ritual - An ode to Tesco

In last year or so I have come to realise, there is only 1 constant to my weekends - a trip to the market. Luckily I got some time to read this Sunday and when I came across the following passage, I couldn't help but share it as it reflects so much of my own thought process.

Here is an excerpt from Salmon fishing in the Yemen by Paul Torday -

"We have moved on from religion.
Instead of going to the church, which would never occur to us, Mary and I go to Tesco together on Sundays. At least, that is what we did when she still lived in London. We never have time to shop during the week and Saturdays are too busy. But on Sunday our local Tesco is just quiet enough to get around without being hit in the ankles all the time by other people's shopping carts
We take our time wheeling the shiopping card around the vast cavern, goggling at the flatscreen TVs we cannot afford, occassionaly tossing in a luxury into the trolley that we can afford but not justify.
I suppose shopping in Tesco on Sunday morning is in itself a sort of meditative experience: in some way a shared moment with hundreds of other shippers all wheeling their shopping carts, and a shared moment with Mary, come to that. Most people I see shopping on Sunday morning have that peaceful, dreamy expression on their faces that I know is on ours. That is our Sunday ritual."

Apart from the fact that I am on my own when in Tesco's I think I really identify the dreamy, peaceful part of a pushing a trolley down an aisle of canned vegetables and frozen foods :)

Yay!

I am so happy, finally after more than a year, I managed to clear ITIL V3 foundation certificate exam!
It is really nothing much to be scared of. And the V3 foundation pack is more than sufficient to answer the questions.

Thanks God :)

A New Year

A new year, a change of a number - cause for celebration? Well may be. If this means end to a rather traumatic indecisive and emotionally unbalanced year. Then yes, starting a new year does call for some notice.

Apart from the fact that it means end of holidays and going back to old routine it has not really brought any good cheer.

But lets flow in the spirit a bit - I did take a new year resolution - to be lesser of a lazy bum!! I am going to get up, when I first think of getting up rather than lying in for hours. I am going to try to cook normal food more regularly and I am going to try and be good at work.

I rarely think about my own future, as I am so scared of the unknown. But for the year 2011 - Please God. Bless me!

Books 2010

What I read between leaving school and finishing Masters could be put down mostly Harry Potters. The school library and its wonderful custodian encouraged me to read in the first place & I am ever so grateful for that. Getting into the mindless cramming of engineering books and numerous exams every 6 months after leaving school pretty much ensured that I gave up on reading almost all together.

Between 2007 and early 2009 I can see long gaps and Ayn Rand. In autumn 2009 I had no internet for a week & this pulled me back into reading :) A Suitable Boy was one of the epics I read that year. There were a few more and I was once again actively reading. I decided to keep a list of books I read in 2010. When I had started with the list, I was only trying to keep a count. But as December neared, I found myself trying to add as many more as I could. However, as it turned out - I couldn't do any last minute reading and book number 15 - A Passage to India was read on my flights home in late October.

15. A Passage to India - EM Forsters
14. Paths of Glory - Jeffery Archer
13. Nice Works - David Lodge
12. Breakfast at Tiffany's - Truman Capote
11. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
10. Amsterdam - Ian McEwan
9. Aunt's aren't Gentlemen - PG Wodehouse
8. The Sea - John Banville
7. Home Truths - David Lodge
6. The Impressionist - Hari Kunzru
5. A Small Island – Andrea Levy
4. An Artist of the Floating World – Kuzuo Ishiguro
3. Web of Silk and Gold – Shakti Niranjchana
2. Brick Lane – Monica Ali
1. Department of Denials - Anurag Mathur

Favourites - Midnight's Children, A Passage to India (adds to my rather short list of re-readables)

Some light, some heavy, some funny, some tragic but all good enough to take me to a magic land where reality is not admitted.

Christmas Baking

Christmas break at work starts tomorrorw. And after a week of cold and headaches I finally got into the spirit of Christmas. So I baked a choco-coffee cake. It turned out pretty good in taste and look but lacked the texture of a cake i.e. even though it is soft like sponge, it is not really bubbly inside :(
After this non bubly cake I have realisd the importance of an electric whisk (when buttering the sugar, I was thinking to myself - I can do this pretty well by hand who needs a whisk). Now I think people know what I want for Christmas!

I had big plans of making an icing and decorating with nuts and choco chips but as the cake gave me some trouble coming out of the tin, I just finished it for namesake. I have cut it into squares which look like irregular chocolate brownies - a bit underdone. I plan to take a few to office for my team but not sure if it would be appreciated. After all in England every one bakes, making me such a rookie!

Enough cribbing about the cake, lets put the bubbles aside and cheer the good taste :)
Here are some pictures in reverse order of appearance!

Music!

Not until long ago, I was not a music person at all. In fact, at times I felt inadequate in company of some great music lovers who would discuss bands/music/tracks/singers. I wondered to myself this couldn't be something one claims to live by. Books I understand as they keep one occupied. But listening to music - as a hobby left me bewildered. Isn't hobby something one likes to do.
Lately however, this utter surprise towards music has melted into something more acceptable. But still music for me remains something very much in the background. I dont think so I can just play songs and sit by for hours. But I surely appreciate some random tracks playing in the background while I am in the kitchen :)
Thanks to SSS I have got a folder of 55 random (Eng/Hindi/OST/Pop etc) songs. As names of most songs here are random alphabetical strings, it is often a pure surprise when the song plays :) I have transferred some of these to my phone, but the rest have been rarely played. While trying to organise my 2.14GB of music, I came across this one from the SSS folder. Really liked the soft & optimistic feel of the song :)Thanks SSS for introducing me to music and many more such lovely songs!

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed

Nothin' seems to fit

Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun

And I said I didn't like the way he got things done

Sleepin' on the job

Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin'

But there's one thing I know

The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me

It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red

Cryin's not for me

'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'

Because I'm free

Nothin's worryin' me

& I meet HP in the UK

Last night I watched HP 7. Finally. I know it is obvious but I need to state it - I watched it in a theatre :)
Enjoyed the movie thoroughly and as always when the credits started rolling I was craving for more. Even though it is the longest Potter movie yet, but I felt it finished too soon, but that could be just my Potter mania.
Apart from the movie itself, the experience itself was fun too. Random person at office offered a late evening show & before I could mull over it, I said Yes :)
Later, I bothered to ask who else was joining and found out that there was going to be just 1 another random person. I felt like withdrawing for some minutes but then I thought, I have been considering watching it on my own, then why do I care about (in)adequate company. As it turned out another person from work (friend/colleague) also joined later :)
The cinema hall we went to is like a projector show in a village category in terms of screen/seating. If you are used to plush Indian cinemas then this would be highly disappointing. The screen was smaller than my room's wall and there were hardly 50 seats. The sound/heating wasnt great & we sat in our coats. But at least it was bigger than my lap top screen! There were mostly children in the crowd, even though it was a late show at 7.45 in the evening.
It had been a while since I last did/read/watched anything related to HP. The movie charmed me back into the world of wizards and witches or horocruxes and hallows. I noticed there were very few of fellow Hogwarts students in the movie, but for the scenes they were in - all of them looked beautiful/handsome young adults. Specially liked Luna Lovegood's costume. It was nice to recognise places in the UK :)
Having read the book long ago, the movie also had some surprises for me. Like when HH leave Ron behind on their search I was worried how will Ron reunite with them :) Overall, as all movies preceeding this one - it does justice to both JKR's imagination and narration.
However unreal/illogical/kiddish it may sound to some people, Harry Potter series is so popular across age & gender because we see characters in the movies doing things we would want to do ourselves only if it were possible. It translates what we wish for, into what we see on the screen. Innumerable times, I find myself wishing for an invisibility cloak. So many times I hear people talking about turning time back. And almost each one of us wishes to 'reach someone in the blink of an eye' once a day (apparate)!

To add to the fun - the person sitting next to me was a Potter virgin (cheesy I know, but it just fits :D) And I had to explain things to him like 'erasing memory', 'poly juice potion' and 'Ministry of Magic' :) He was so amused by my factual explanations that we couldn't stop laughing. I must confess - there were times when I joined him in making fun of the Potter logic. For some scenes between Harry & Hermoine after Ron is splinched, which we thought was desperately 'Bollywoodish' we even spoke the dilogues had it been a Hindi movie/soap - It was hilarious!!

Good fun it was :)

Hazaaron khwahishein aisi...

This is a Ghalib ghazal, and I dont claim to have the entire original version of it here. But lately, this has become quite an accurate and succint description of my life.

Hazaaron khwahishein aisi
ki har khwahish pe dum nikle
bahut nikle mere armaan lekin
phir bhi kam nikle

nikalna khuld se aadam ka
sunte aaye hain lekin
bahut be-aabru hokar
tere kuuche se hum nikle

kahaan maikhaane ka darwaaza "ghalib"
aur kahaan waeez
par itna jaante hain
kal wo jaata tha ki hum nikle

I dont understand much poetry, but I read through an English translation of this one. I realised while the original poem questions the sincerity of the beloved, I am questioning my own.

Chocolate and Almond Biscuits

This weekend has been busier in the kitchen than most. Today I baked some almond and chocolate biscuits. I had told D at work that I am going to try my hand at profiteroles but just couldn't get myself out of bed.
A quick chat with A motivated me to after all give up the comfort of my warm and cozy bed :)
My biscuits didn't turn out the perfect shape - but that was because I couldn't resist taking them out from the baking tray before they cooled which caused some rough edges (Even though I know 5 minutes later I could have taken them out without any effort!!). I guess it is the thing with baking - one doesn't get to taste anything before it is out of the oven. And once it is out - Its very very difficult for me to resist.

There is forecast of light snow on Monday. My freshly baked biscuits & hot choc would make for great company!

Sweet & Sour Sticky Rice

Just a random visit to the grocers' led to this impromptu speedy recipe. I like to chop vegetables, and this recipe needed lots of them. So while the rice cooked, I enjoyed slicing away some cabbage, white onions and spring onions. Here are a few pictures.

Sunday Baking!

A special guest came over last Sunday to spend the day with me. We played with trains & aeroplanes. We drew some pictures and read some books. And as we waited for Raaghav's parents we planned a tea party for them :)
To go with the tea I baked some butter milk and raisin scones :) It was not really difficult to get them right.
Appreciation - All finished even before the kettle could go on boil!!

Carrot Puddings

I had started with the idea of making gajar ka halwa for my cousins last weekend. But on Thursday on lunch from work, I bought my first cake tin :)) So I thought it wouldnt be fair on my new cake tin to make another dessert before baking a cake in the new tin. The result:

2 Carrot desserts - one Indian - Gajar ka halwa & one English - Carrot and Banana Cake with orange zest
It didnt take long before portions started disappearing and as 2 of my flat mates said - Yummy!!

Mission ITIL

Finally, after mulling over it for more than a year, I have booked myself for ITIL V3 certification on 3/01/11. Now, I just need to get through several thousand pages of service management theory to get the requisite 65% to clear the exam!!

It is my christmas gift/challenge to myself. If I clear the certification it would be some sort of achievement for me (in quite some time). Also, I find it comforting to have short term goals in sight.
May be I was a bit rash in paying the fee but I guess it was needed to get myself into the action mode. I hope I will remain motivated towards it till the exam.

I will update the blog about my progress. It will be a good way of telling myself what I did and what I didnt.

Any help for study material/sample papers will be much appreciated.

Good luck to me :)

What does family mean to you?

Some of the titles for blogs which I noted down during this trip were - presence of US Army in Kuwait and striking ambience of Asia. But when I saw ‘What does family mean to you’ posted on a forum, I thought it is rather relevant to my trip back home after more than a year.
I have moved out of my family home fairly recently – 3 years to be precise. However, the distance made sure that I have seen them only twice in more than 2 years.
On this trip I realised that for the time that I have been in London I have got used to being on my own. And to the idea that it is sufficient to speak/see my family over the internet. I am not ashamed of the fact that I am not homesick. I have never been the one who cries at airports or longs for reunions.
But meeting my parents, my siblings and other family members I realised that being detached with something/someone is not one way.
Even though living outside the geographical bounds of my family’s home has made me see my life as ‘mine’, they have not separated their lives from mine. Their joys, happiness, strength, emotions, grievances and everything else is still woven around all 5 of us. I share these lines from Shashank’s blog –
"For a wonderful physical tie binds the parents to the children; and - by some sad, strange irony - it does not bind us children to our parents. For if it did, if we could answer their love not with gratitude but with equal love, life would lose much of its pathos and much of its squalor, and we might be wonderfully happy." Where Angels Fear to Tread by E. M. Forster
This trip has brought back to surface the deepest bonds I had let dust in the background. And the fact that family is not about you – even if you are 100 years old or 10000 miles away – it is always about us.

Jammie Dodgers!

Starting the festive seasons with some jammie dodgers. It made me think of the gift boxes of 'assorted' biscuits exchanged on Diwali :)

Bread and Butter pudding

Whenever I see bread and butter pudding made on tv shows, I always crave to have a bite :)
Then this weekend I came around to making my own version - with banana and mixed nuts stuffing!

It is an incredibly easy to do dessert which can be made in a big batch and wow all your dinner party guests ;)
Here is a quick recap - De-crust white bread (thick) and dip in molten butter. Grease the baking dish with remaining butter. Line with bread to cover the base sprinkle some sugar and cover with sliced bananas. Throw in some finely chopped nuts and cover with remaining bread. Sprinkle some more sugar on the top.
Next mix your custard powder with boiling milk and pour over the baking dish until the bread is soaked. Sprinkle with some more sugar and bake for 20-30 min or until top bread is golden and the custard is set.
I used ready made cutard as I am yet to start cooking with eggs.

Praying

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we
don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have
to let go.
~Anon.

Praying for our dear friend and his family to have the strength to bear the loss.

Pear Tart

This week I got some really good crisp and sweet pears. In English cooking, they are often served as desserts - poached in spicy red wines infused with star anise, cinnamon, lemon juice, and vanilla ideally served with clotted cream or icecream.

But as I dont have access to wines yet, I thought I will go ahead with the second most popular pear dessert - pear tarts. Tarts are not really my favourite when it comes to desserts but cooking something new was motivating enough :) Here are the pictures -


This one turned out best!

I had made 4 ;)


Served with Custard

Blogging!

I am enjoying the joy of blogging once more thanks to friends who keep reintroducing me to my forgotten blog spot. I am not as keen on writing as I am on reading but having a space makes me put down my thoughts - in black and white. Sometimes it helps to clear the head and sometimes it leads to more research and at other times more analysis. Always, it gives me lasting satisfaction to have written something.

Today being the 4th consecutive weekend I have come back to write something makes me feel a little less random towards my blog. I would love to have written exceptional pieces - travelogues, reviews of movies and books or about food & cooking and culture or countries. But for now I am content with writing about myself, my moods and my cooking :)

Argh! turned into a smile :)

After a series of feel good posts (and probably weekends), this weekend I feel 'argh'.
While still at work on Friday, I was boasting to people how am I going to have a busy yet fun weekend. And it almost started that way when I left from work almost an hour earlier than usual. I happily went shopping for my small lunch-time get together on Sunday. The guests are not many but 2 or 20 it takes the same amount of preparation. Scaling is often not a problem while cooking Indian food.
But almost as soon as I reached the super market, my weekend was hijacked! First I was asked a favour which cut short my shopping. I was not all p***d off by this but only until my friend called at 7 to decide about a programme today. I know I am being finnicky but I need to know what am I going to do at least 1 day in advance so that I can plan other things!!
Now my Friday evening is gone, my Saturday is already booked (for more favours) and I am not meeting my friend cause I have got myself into a lunch which I could have happily postponed :( I am yet to do my laundry, clean my room and God knows what all work of house keeping which I had planned for Friday evening.

So nothing seems to be going the right way this weekend. Now this makes me p***d off. But what makes me more completly pissed off is that people feel that being s single woman I 'look forward' to 'demanding favours'!!

And then I spoke to Papa :) Thanks Papa for explaining it once again - "You are good on the outside, because you are good on the inside & you are good on the inside only when you are happy. So whenever you are sad, ask yourself - what am I being sad for - is it/he/she worth upsetting me? And you will end up smiling pretty quickly :)"

My version of having a day 'off'

It was one of those weekends which I had 'completely' to myself!

After work, I went to do grocery and picked up some random cooking ingredients – including red and yellow peppers and cans of kidney beans! I had some idea of what I will do with them but wasn’t sure if I will actually do any cooking this weekend.

Today I woke up only when the sunlight through the curtains became too bright. Fortunately I remembered that it was Ganesh Chaturthi so quickly got ready and did my own little puja :)

After which had a good chat at home with little brother and mum. It is always nice to talk to them, but it is even better when we talk about my upcoming holiday :) We discussed menus, trips and shopping! All this talk pepped me up and I in a drastic change of plan I decided to venture out.

I thought I will renew my books from the library while I am out. One of the books I was about to finish was Paths of Glory by Jeffery Archer. I am not really a huge fan of Archer but he does have a simplistic approach and was one of the first authors I had started to read when I joined secondary school. The book is about first ever expedition to the Mount Everest and makes a captivating read.

I finished the book in the library. It was a very satisfying experience even for half an hour, to sit amidst books and read :)

Then I carried on with my window shopping/shopping for an amazing 2 hours. It was fruitful to some extent having bought some more gifts for people back home and milk :) (I am really keen on milk - Peeyo a glass full :))

Came back home and made myself the cup of tea I was longing for since morning and watched some not so interesting series on BBC which lulled me into siesta. But just as I was about to sleep, the internet started playing games. I realised I am so addicted to its presence that I wanted it to be up and running before I slept, just in case it was still gone when I got up! So while trying to get it sorted out time for my nap was gone.

I resisted the ‘lazy me’ taking over the ‘cook me’ and got down to making my very own version of Mexican wraps :)

I also made chane ki daal, shimla mirch ki sabzi along with -

The colours just looked so good

My mini fajita breads

The filling

Presentation style #1

Presentation style #2

All this hard work is very gratifying as it means I have food to last for entire working week :)

Random thoughts about Life in London

1. You will be surprised to see how ‘Indian’ is London. There is nothing really ‘foreign’ about England.

2. Recession in the UK is reality. Companies are going bankrupt everyday and there is lot of redundancy.

3. You would consciously be spending less or at least thinking twice before spending money. The constant worry to save on the back of your mind does take away some charm of living in the UK. If your intention is to save money, there will be some constant sacrifice/struggle.

4. It gets dark very early in winters and some people find it depressing when there is so little day light.

5. Some theatres show Hindi movies and there are plenty of Indian shops around. Even there are temples to go and celebrate the festivals.

6. There will be no maid and you will have to do all your work on your own, from washing clothes and dishes to ironing clothes to cleaning the house and even toilet (or worse clean a toilet which you would share with 4 other people!).

7. Regarding work culture – Office timings are quite strict, while at work people are not expected to attend to personal phone calls, or take days off unless sick.

8. There are no holidays during the year except 4-5 official offs. You will get 20 days of annual leave which you can avail for your once a year India trip.

9. It may seem that for some initial period you follow a very dull routine of work-home-work but as you begin to settle down you will find more things to do and enjoy your time here.

10. Transport For London is fantastic.

Stereotype

Lately, courtesy 'facebook' I have come across numerous stand-up comedy videos where the act is centered around stereotyping nationalities, colour, religion, professions etc. One of the very first I saw was of Russel Peter a Canadian-Indian who managed to crack the audience up with his imitation and interpretation of the stereotyping Indians face in Canada. He didn't mind using himself as the butt of these jokes and I was slightly surprised at how he could joke about things so close to home. But then I came across more comedians from various 'coloured' parts of the world making fun of going through additional security checks, being addressed rudely and being the keepers of WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) with panache. Middle Eastern comedians keen on showing to the world that their world is no longer Alladin's Arabia, Africans going beyond Rap about their accent and Indian crowds cheering to jokes about their children excelling at schools.

Quite unexpectedly I too, saw the humour and the purpose behind these shows. The genuine eagerness to show the rest of the world hidden facets of these 'infamous' countries. I was all for the cause eventually. And then I came across a news piece accompanied by a disturbing video of 2 teenagers being beaten to death in Pakistan while being watched by police. There were people who made videos, but none to stop the killing. Ironically, just before that I was watching a talk by Maz Jobrani (TED Talks) who with his group is on a mission to present to the world the positives of Middle East and is effectively leading a crusade against stereotyping.

Even though, I try my best to not to classify people because of their colour, geography or religion I found it really difficult to resist the mob-mentality of brutality being nurtured at our door step. In the 21st century, if an entire city did nothing but watch 2 young men being beaten to death in the most barabaric fashion and later hung as if dead animals, I could not but make generalisations. Apart from civilians who preferred making videos to post on youtube, there were armed policemen who simply took the 'best view' positions around the scene. If the police force of a country does not seem to think it was their duty to stop the violence what can one expect from the people at large?
And I am not talking about individuals, or even a dozen, there was a mob almost the size of a cinema audience. Not one of them felt the urge to stop it??

I may take a step back from my mental refinement, but very unfortunately it really made me re-think about the origins of stereotypes and that of 'popular belief'. Kudos to people like Maz Jobrani but incidents like this just keep letting them down. Again and again, breathing life to more security checks and more mistrust.

English Pancakes

Mostly when I cook, it is on an impulse - not of eating or hunger but of trying it out and being able to do something that I have not done before. That is why I find cooking for meals so boring - same old menu repeated over the week with slight variations. It is just not motivating enough for me to get myself to the kitchen to cook something which I already know exactly how it would turn out.


Crepe and Pancakes share almost the same batter in terms of ingredients. Whilst Crepes are said to be French, Pancakes are more English traditionally and lately American. But for political reasons and 'FOOD HONOURS' neither side would concede to this :D
Last month (when it was summer [sigh!]) I had gone to Brighton, a beach city along the SE coast of England. It is famous for it's full-of-amusement piers. There I had a super quick crepe recipe which just lingered on at the back of my mind.

The mystery batter was spread over a non-stick pan thinned out with a ladle, with a little amount of butter round the circle. It was left to brown for 20-30 sec only on one side. Then folded into halves still on the pan to make a quarter. Inside this cone/quarter we could fill chocolate syrup, whipped cream, bananas or even savoury ingredients such as minced meat.

The simplicity and taste of it made sure it appeared on my things-to-try-to-cook list. And the fact that this weekend, I had almost 2 pints of milk to use by this Monday finally resulted in the experiment ;)
I made mine without any egg, adding half a teaspoon of baking soda as a replacement (to give the fluffy texture).

Some of them did stick to the pan but eventually they started to come off smooth :) I cant wait to get to the market for some double cream (gluttony!!)and try the beach recipe by my window from where I see not much water down below but lots of watery clouds above! (After all, its English August)

Choco Chips Cookies

So this is cooking :)
I made a batch of almost 4 dozen, and they were gone before the week ended!
Looking forward to bake some to take home.

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

by Robert Frost

Sorry to all those I owed it.

Thank you mum, where ever I go from here I will know that a mother's love has no bounds.I owe you a lot mum, a lot more than I will ever be able to say.
I plead, let me live the life you have given me.

Thank you Mark

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Regards, Mark

Chocolate Brownie/Cake!

Easter baking :)

Time to open my eyes

Closing eyes doesn't make things disappear, they stay there to be more hurtful next time. It's been a long time that I started doing this. Whenever I have a conversation about things I don't want to think about or be questioned about I simply make myself forget that it ever happened. Living more than 7000 miles away from family surely helps. May be it is abusing the privilege of distance. I consciously replace the thought process by watching a cookery show or cooking or reading a book or going for a stroll or anything at all. It works every time; almost to perfection. This is so much easier when I don't have to breathe in the atmosphere pregnant with annoyance and allegations. There is no one around to push me back into it. It is indeed very convenient. But dangerous, I realised today. It makes you leave things unsorted, pending, piling up to strike back when you are least prepared - when you had comfortably forgotten about it.

So today I decided to take stock of the situation. I should not cave in, even if parts of me see it as the easier option out. But I wont, I cant let myself down by giving up without the fight I deserve. There are times when things work in your favour and times when they don't. It's quite easy to feel great about yourself when things fall in place and let the good times get to your head. That's exactly what happened. For last year and a half, things were working out, mind you I am not throwing away the credit to destiny, it was my hard work & good times made it pay. But I guess it's time to put on the fighting suit on once more, for a tougher, longer, more critical battle with circumstances not exactly on my side.

My coversations with God 1

God are you smiling? I am sure its fun for You ;) but but..I hope You make sure its just fun for me too..You have seen me do this before..are You not bored of it?
Please keep me closer..you know when I need you to give me a tight hug!
Love you.

Contd. 23 Aug 2009
God please plase give me the mind to be able to concentrate on the dissertation for this week and wrap it off. I really really want to have some time off it in Manchester. And I am trying to beat all physical distractions. But God you will have to take care of my mind..you know how useless it is ;) Please..I hope you are not having a good laugh right now!! [The emoticon I want to use here is :P but I think you might not like it!!]

Contd. 24th Aug 2009
God that was a hearty laugh I had, thanks! And the time after that - I dont want to be this. Can you help? please. Imagine - I cant continue like this forever ;) isnt it? So please make sure I have plenty of it around me :D
And yeah, thanks for being so attentive to details - you know what I mean. I will flatter myself and think that you have all the time in the world (pun intended) to actually post url errors to me - Marvellous.
Lots of love!

Contd. 27th Aug 2009
God this better be good..I am really really tired. I dont feel like I am putting my best foot forward..I really really really need a big tight hug..please help me out..please make me work through it..please
pretty please..

Cooking!

May be the title of the blog is a give away - I love cooking. Even though I am not very frequently doing so I love the act of conjuring mouth watering, aromatic delicacies :)
I love chopping onions and chillies with the precision of millimeters (only if you have the right knife and technique) and the adventure of flash frying. I have spent a good part of my telly watching years savouring exotic dishes being made 'too simple to believe' from all over the world.

All that and more for my love of cooking later.

What made me write this post was the fact whenever I am struggling with high pressure studies my mind tend to wander away to recipes for those after assignment parties (fictional of course!).

I am in midst of writing a very crucial piece of my dissertation and thinking about shahi toasts (deep fried bread dipped in fragrant sugar syrup) and sewaiya (vermicilli in sweet milk) :) Some day I will post if I get to make any of these..for now I should go back to the dissertation.

PS: I do cook occasional special dishes, strangely never thought of blogging about it. May be I can post some pics soon :)

He should be treated

Muslim star claims housing bias

It is such a shame for people like Emran Hashmi cashing on their relegious status to secure favours like this. When I read the article I felt an acute sense of anger - bitter anger for spoiling India's image. Such stories send messages of conflicts and riots to the outside world.
Terrorisism in India is fuelled by such gimmicks. Incidences of cashing on one's minority status has far more implications than merely making Hashmi get a flat in Pali Hill. It engenders bitterness which is exploited by terrorists or riot(ers) or politicians. They leave our country vulnerable to being split open.

I sincerly hope that people and more importantly media will be sensible enough and be able to look beyond the publicity stunt. And I sincerely hope that Muslims in our country will stand against their relegion being used as a medium of making property deals.

Que Sara sara

I have got the results. People have had the celebration. I have had the messages. Why this uncertainity?

Update - 26 July 2009
Things are taking shape, its almost as certain as it could get given the probabilities of a meteor hitting earth just before I make it!

An evening in London

Venue – Bromley South, Kent
Kent is a home county for London. 7 such counties surrounding London have been identified as Home Counties which constitute some kind of a Greater London. It is similar to having a National Capital Region in India. London lies in the South East of England.

Craig: British from Preston, Lancashire (It’s the same county for Manchester). Lancashire is in North West England. The size of this island (including Ireland) is quite small; it ranks 78 on the list of countries sorted by area. The distance between Preston and London is somewhere between 200-300miles. The distance between Agra and Lucknow is 225miles. The reason for giving all these statistics in Craig’s introduction is that Craig very deeply felt that people in the North West are far better than the people in South East. I was amazed at how difference could arise within a matter of couple of 100 miles. A distance which is hardly significant in a country as large as India.
Craig quite openly expressed how ‘up in the north’ people think logically where as in the South they are so illogical. ‘It is so difficult to make them understand’. As an outsider I can never imagine one English man to be less logical than another just because he is from down South. He had been completely stressed out by the London Tube (which can be bewildering for any first timer I must admit) and almost cursed the City.
The entire ordeal seemed to be worsened by the fact that it was a sunny day at 19 degrees. He was red and sweating (like a pig?). I was quite suspicious of his several sneezes due to spreading Swine Flu.
He must have been in his late thirties and looked like one of the many victims of recession in this country. Though his demeanour was nothing like a victim. He tried to assert himself and tried to make his presence felt by asking for adjusting the air conditioning of all the rooms we were taken to, water and tea. He mentioned how much he had been working on the tests and could solve any problems thanks to his logical thinking. Even between tests he felt necessary to announce how he did so well and that it was so simple if you could just think logically.
This could well be an animated effort from the numerous videos on internet telling you to be at ease and confident about yourself at assessment centres. My reaction to him ranged from pity for he had to come to a graduate recruitment to ‘please shun this attitude’.

Imran: I cannot comment on his nationality. Reason being he had come to England as a toddler perhaps from Pakistan. He was also from Manchester, but a different Uni. I had seen him outside the venue sceptical of entering the building. Finally when he did come inside and I tried to give him a smile but he was clearly quite uneasy and started looking in a different direction after a sheepish smile. It took another boy and 10 minutes to finally get him to tell his whereabouts.
I think his appearance needs to be described here for the sole reason that it was a big part of his personality (and I doubt, his existence). He wore large glasses in an outdated frame. He had longish hair forcibly combed backwards to appear clean. He had a beard which was jet black in colour and went way down his chin. His suit gave away the fact that it was borrowed from a healthy, taller person as he was extremely thin. He was evidently a little withdrawn from other candidates and had been looking for a job for more than a year now.
I didn’t get to spend much time with him as we were divided into different groups. But as soon we were taken for the first test he folded his trousers up to reveal his mismatched socks and ankles. I do not understand this habit/requirement of Islamic dressing but it did feel a little awkward to do so in a formal environment while wearing a suit.
Imran was a kind of person whom you feel like knowing about because some how he seemed to have held so much behind those glasses and the beard.

Chaitanya: Fellow Indian from a remote place at 4 hours distance from London. I am yet to familiarise myself with the naming conventions for places in England. There is a Salford in Manchester, so I am not sure if there could be a different Salfordshire County somewhere in the South.
I saw him too, outside the venue. He sat under a tree waiting for the time to go in. I believe both of us had arrived a tad too early for British standards (You got to be on time, not a minute before not a minute late).
I suspect he made an effort to exchange a smile before going in but I escaped behind my red book. Chaitanya is from Hyderabad, AP (I can tell a Hyderabadi from a distance fairly accurately:)). He saw my name on the visitor’s books and started the conversation. He was pleasant to talk to and frankly made me ease out a bit. However during the group activity though he was unexpectedly passive. I deliberately tried to include him in the discussion on 2 occasions which I think he took pretty well.
At the end of the day we left the building together asking each other to be in touch. (Just a casual British pleasantry to exchange)
Chaitanya is pursuing an MBA and I was surprised that he applied for this job.


Daniel: British from Cambridge. Cambridge is not far from London. But it may take an hour and half with public transport. He reached late and I met him directly in the exam room. This pretty much limited our interaction.
Nothing to do with him, is my excitement of meeting anybody named Daniel. It started well before coming to UK when during one of my numerous therapeutic conversations, S(P) and I decided that I would meet a Daniel here who would be my knight and S(P) would be enchanted by a Sophie :).
So with the name Daniel I associate some expectations. And when I do meet some Daniel, I smile to myself remembering our random conversations and the good it does to me – always :)
But this Daniel seemed to be particularly unlike my Daniel. He had a running nose (another suspicion of Swine Flu) and was shivering (out of nervousness?). He had a freckled face and curly red hair. Not a fault of his of course, but somehow I feel that red hair are too doll-like. I blamed him for not being the Daniel and then laughed at my own stupidity.

Xang (assumed) and MEA (name not known) were the other 2 candidates. Xang was from Birmingham and hardly spoke. MEA (Middle East, Europe & Asia) has been so called as he appeared from a Middle Eastern country with an accent. I could be wrong and he could well be an East European with dark hair. I didn’t have much chance to talk to them.
They were pretty much a part of the group, rather than individuals.

I think the best part of coming to UK so far has been to be able to meet so many different people both in terms of nature and nationalities.

Some words

Is there a word which captures the expression of "however" as well as However? I have so many times checked out for better synonyms of words and replaced them while writing. But never for a "However". The listed synonyms include - though, but, still, yet, nevertheless etc but somehow they never are replacements for "however".

All the synonyms of money - cash, bucks, grands, quids strangely dissimilar words.

to be contd. (or updated periodically)

A letter

For the first time in 14 years, neither of your sisters is with you on your birthday.
I don't know whether that's a good thing or bad ;)
I know its not the time for some unwanted gyan so there will no preaching..but may be a little sentimental crap. You know what exams and distances can do to you. There is so much of self thinking and revisiting of memories going on.
I have always always tried to be a good friend of yours - I dont know how much did I succeed, but I really hope that you at least count me as one of the friends.
Later comes the sister or rather the elder sister - I think I kind of missed out on that one. You have hardly been treated as a younger brother - ever. From my side you are a cute little friend of mine whom I can be a good Agony Aunt to and a Horrible one too..when I keep scolding you on your silly Maths things..
You know something at times when I shout at you for being silly while doing maths (more so over Skype as I cant give you one of my deadly stares :D) I feel its the feeling that you should not at any cost be weak in maths - like me. I could never perform well in Maths, and have been frequently embarrassed in class on my inabilities. But now that I know what I could have done I feel its my religious duty to guide in the best possible way I can.

Gosh you are 14. Now that is a big number - isnt it? Next year you will be mid way through the teens! I can still imagine you as a toddler. You know - jiji & I used to flaunt you :) We had the cutest baby brother on the block after all! - It was so cool :)
You have been so much a part of our growing up even if you were born a decade later. Actually I guess both of us realised how big we were only on seeing some one so little as you :) When you came we were the responsible kids, looking after the baby. Not that we did not have enough "big girls" things before but with you it became official - we could be left at home alone while mum dad went out, we could order food and we could use the gas stove :D Honestly, not before I started warming milk for you (we didnt have the microwave then) on the gas stove I was not supposed to light a match on my own. And I must confess - at first I didnt like it - you know why should I do things for you ;) After all I had never done things before but then I guess it just comes to you naturally. I think it was with you that jiji and I knew that we can actually love somebody so unconditionally.

We made sure you had a fun time growing up too! We would make you drink Pepsi and lick ice creams when you were hardly 6 months old. We would love to shop for you - all those tiny dresses and shoes. And dress you up in weird clothes. I wish we had the mobile+camera gadget then, we could have filled the entire house with your pics.
We have always been protective of you. But I am glad the way you have turned out - not a sissy at all. You can take good care of yourself now and I am proud of it. You are the man in my life (Cant claim jiji's after she is married ;)) I want you to have all the best things in life, I want you to be the smartest kid around and I want you to be smiling always.

I wish you a fabulous year ahead and I wish that you have many many many more best birthdays coming up. For you I can never settle for anything but the best!!

H@PPY Birthd@Y to one of my most favourite persons ever :)
Love,
jiji

Reality Check

A cousin of mine just gave birth to a baby boy. I am really happy for the couple and the entire family who are jubilant on the occasion. Both the mother and son are healthy. God bless them both.

Just a little after thought - She is 23. Got married at 22 and is yet to celebrate her first anniversary.

What happens to her life? I am an engineer, worked for a year and now doing my Masters. I am yet to be convinced about marrying. Do I ask for too much or what?

Suffering from "Online Streaming" Part II

I caught the infection around 5 months ago or rather the infection was there from longer it was diagnosed then (Part I) I am on alternative therapy (Bollywood to Hollywood) but the results are not very encouraging.

A Walk to Remember
A Very Long Engagement
Pretty Woman
50 First Dates
The Lion King
Pride of Simba
The Mistress of Spices
The Notebook
You've got mail
Sleepless in Seattle
Forrest Gump

I am sure to have missed at least a couple of couples more..

Activist Investors - An unlikely introduction!

Though the teaching term officially ended a couple of weeks ago, I am still very new to finance and business. I will be taking an exam (its a seen one) on that subject in exactly 10 days (9 to be fair) and one of the questions deal with Activist Investors.

I don't know if attending a class at 9AM makes other people sleep in the class or not but for me - title holder of "Pro-at-sleeping-while-sitting-anywhere-anytime" for almost 5 years now, its health issue :))

That was a bit of justification why I am still blank about many of the concepts in this area. But tonight I got a real deep insight into what 'Activist Investors' are from a very very unlikely source. Just like yesterday - it was movie time after dinner and today it was Pretty Woman (1990)

Richard Gere is as charming as he could be as he plays the role of an Activist Investor who 'buys companies which are in trouble and sells them piece by piece to make money'. Julia elucidates - 'its like stealing cars and selling the parts'.

I am sure there is much more to the topic than Richard, but for an inspiration to know more I think he is brilliant ;)

The Mistress of Spices

As usual, I was not feeling like to start looking at dry financial reports of companies I am not bothered about but rather unusually I chose to watch a movie.

I've been watching movies on YouTube for many months now (there was even a post for it), but mostly its by chance that stumble upon some part of a movie (most movies on YT are 10 parts or more) and then go on to complete it. Tonight, I actually searched for movies to watch. This is strange for me as I am the kind of person who would feel guilty for watching films with exams lined up.

And the movie did not disappoint me. Apart from the fact that Aishwarya Rai used to be a PYT 4 years ago, the narrative is captivating. Though it is more like an occult sort of thing even for Indians - 'to see things' it was rather feel good. The spice store has been done with detailed attention to colours and looks quite an authentic piece of art. The characters picked out of streets [though they have been portrayed on screen so often now they have stopped being 'next-door' {Thanks to NRI genre of Bollywood flicks}]* have been played convincingly by many known faces.

I liked the movie for one more thing - I can tell my spices now by names and not colour :)

It was a good distraction from business but lasted only for 2 hours..I guess I should sleep now and conserve some energy for tomorrow's clash!

* Sorry for using braces within braces - I guess that was a bit of Maths in English literature :))

How-do-you-feel-when-you-dont-know-what-you-are-feeling!

Yeah Ok I know that's a very stange heading. But I am really lost. I don't know where or why. I have loads of research/reading to be done. I have books spread in front of me and several word docs open on my laptop. Still I find myself cruising through blogs..random videos on YouTube and some sites on handmade jewellery. Isn't that weird? I even watched a movie - 'A very long engagement' - First World War :O I never never watch war movies. I find them so dull and depressing, but today I just want to be busy with anything that stops me from going back to my dissertation.

I have been trying all day but can't get hold of my train of thoughts. They seem to be on a wild run today. Something is amiss, I just cant put my finger at it. May be it's the fact that I haven't spoken to my folks today or may be its just a novice writer looking for excuses to escape from work.

I want to have a lavish meal, a walk in the sun and a new dress. I want them now.

The Bargain

It was made as a teaser for our presentation on the Surveillance Society in Britan. The presentation went well; A big "Thank God" with just an overnight's effort put into it.

Music - BBC Theme

Glory Glory United!

This is not a commentary on the superb Man Utd v/s Aston Villa match played at the Old Trafford this Sunday. Its an ode to the devoted fans who make each of these match an electrifying experience for me :)

I hardly knew the difference between Soccer and Football 6 months ago. And in most matches I was not aware of the opponents; but all this changed after I saw Manchester mourning when United lost to Liverpool (4-1) on that fateful day. I had been going to the stadium for 6 months then but never did a victory strike me as much as the defeat that day. I didn't realise when I had become a hard core Man U fan ready to pick up fights with my 13 year old brother rooting for Liverpool. 

The ambiance is mind blowing, you cant help falling in love with them especially after you catch a glimpse of your team from 5 feet apart. 

Glory Glory United Indeed. 

PS: I really like this pic :) 

Digitally yours!

Half way across the globe as we chit chat using an array of latest technology, I am closer to so many of them. I wonder why distance is blamed for so many failing relationships. It feels almost magical - being able to communicate so intimately across the seas. 

When it is a tense situation you can avoid the heat, when it is embarrassing you can hide the blush and when it is emotional you can pass tears as noise. Sometimes I wonder if that is an escapist route, but then I think often looking at a picture from a distance gives you a clearer view, a better understanding. And I am sure most of us want to see what the pixels put together look like not what each pixel is. 

1. Our family can be described as one of those where protocol comes first. So, I have the 'right' to question and argue but only when prompted. Now don't be judgemental. I think we come to like this arrangement, saves a lot of useless beating around the bush and at some level sets up the order. But some how, rather dramatically this protocol seemed to have taken a back seat. With dad over the phone we have talked, discussed and laughed about things he (and I) certainly couldn't have talked about face to face. A pleasant change, which I hope wont be reversed.

2 to 10. So many of my colleagues who were well, just colleagues have become my 'online friends' if that is still a phrase :) They discuss their lives with me feeling I am at a safe distance, they confide in me as I am not close to remind them of their weakness. And I feel lucky. Isn't it amazing how professional ties are always so tense, performance pressure, appraisals and what not and all of a sudden not being in the company qualifies me to gossips, grudges and so much more. 

Life is so much different when you see the bigger picture, when you look at it from a distance. 

University Elections

Same issues, same propaganda, same campaign. Then where is the difference? May be its the fact that these posters were sincerely (and amazingly) cleaned by next morning. 

Re-discover.

Bending the rules of written English: I would like to start with a conclusion. I like to hang out / chit-chat / be around people older than me. I know that is the last thing I need to add to my already “nerd” profile. But fact remains fact. Time and again I have seen myself detached from gatherings, staring at them from the outside. I feel forced to smile at stupid jokes and make phoney conversations about the latest fads (if I am able to come up with any !!). I wonder if I am too old already or I am too laid back. May be I need to do a bit of catching up with times and update my configuration :D But I am rather happy with my PIII and 40 GB hard disk. (The system on which I type this post is Pentium Core 2 Duo with 160 GB hard disk and 2 GB RAM, this might give you an idea to the era I belong.)

So this retrospective conclusion comes from a recent weekend trip to Birmingham. I stayed with an elderly doctor couple both in their sixties and had a time of my life. We had marvellous food (I value home made Chole and chapattis as priceless ;) ) fantastic after dinner gossips and a great time at the Cadbury’s World. As I could not write as I was experiencing the delight I would like to capture it in some broken phrases.

Pleasure. Respect. Struggle.

Opulence. Care. Dignity.

Pride. Faith. Goodwill.

Amazing. Independence. Rich.

Humour. Warmth. Gardening.

Taste. Class. Love.

Mercedes. Motivation. Comfort.

Prestige. Problems. Gossip.

Plush. Interest. Discipline.

Rational. Emotional. Encouraging.

Achievement. Strength. Maturity.

Phew!

Making decisions is such a taxing activity for me. May be its something to do with the fact that I am Libran :)
A little after I finished school I have always been so apprehensive of my own decisions. It is such a contradiction of my "nature" or my "personality". I claim to be an independent soul quite untied to many of the conventional posts in life. But when it comes to taking decisions I am such a mumble fumble. I wish if somebody could decide (of course with my consent) for me and take the "associated risks" away from me.

I wonder if all of us look for a sanction of the decisions from those who surround us even if they do not make an impact on our lives? If deciding a dissertation project could be such a torture I wonder what could bigger decisions do to me.

For now I am happy its over :) Good or bad..it was mine. I have 60 days to justify my pick, I hope to beat the deadline. I hope to replace the bad after taste of decision making that lingers from past by the aroma of success :)

Is it too much too much to ask for?

I feel better :)

I had one of the most memorable Sundays in Manchester, The Sunday service, the China town trip, the incessant snow (The longest in Manchester - hasnt stopped in 24 hours), the Indo-Chinese dinner..Wonderful !

May be this time I started on the right note. 

Classes start tomorrow, I dont think that is fair - Gimme a break!! Never mind though..I need to learn to have fun @ work (Sounds so corporate ;) ) 

Do we have a choice to start over again?

I believe its only glamorous film stars who claim that "Even if given a chance to start all over again, I would still live the same life". Most of us, (OK no generalisations) I have a tinge to do several or most parts of my life again. Does this reflect remorse? Guilt? Ambitions? lack of faith? Or the desperation to set things right. Call it what you may but I want a Take 2. 

There are plenty of relationships to correct. I guess I have always been a little too intolerant in relations and/or lacked the effort to make it work. I get suffocated too soon, and this has cost me more than I could bargain for. Instead of space I end up with distance. I want a second chance at all of them. I want to shape them again, to be able to justify them. At some point or other I have failed the most important people in my life, I want to make it up. Could "oblivious" work for me? I wish it could. There is a lot to be erased and a lot to be written. Conversations that end up being dead arguments, misunderstandings and presumptions..I need to Cntrl + Z.

There are plenty of opportunities I feel I closed my doors on, right in their face. Messing up with the pre-graduation aspirations, something which led to some of the most dramatic events of my life both - in terms of what could be and what it came to be. If I were to blame destiny for the turn of events then probably this phase of my life was written by Satan himself. But I don't blame a bad author for my mistakes. The irreparable damage cannot be patched. It needs to be re-done. History repeats until deliberately made otherwise. I goofed up at the time of graduation as well. Making the easy choices is never the easy way out. Too late for the gyan though. 

Today its another world, another story but the damage has not been healed. Can I hope for a fresh start as I end this phase? Please? Can you ever shrug your past off the shoulders? Can you make people forget? Can you? How?? I need a re-start. I want to end this session. I want to start on a clean slate - with everyone. I want a Take 2.