Phew!

Making decisions is such a taxing activity for me. May be its something to do with the fact that I am Libran :)
A little after I finished school I have always been so apprehensive of my own decisions. It is such a contradiction of my "nature" or my "personality". I claim to be an independent soul quite untied to many of the conventional posts in life. But when it comes to taking decisions I am such a mumble fumble. I wish if somebody could decide (of course with my consent) for me and take the "associated risks" away from me.

I wonder if all of us look for a sanction of the decisions from those who surround us even if they do not make an impact on our lives? If deciding a dissertation project could be such a torture I wonder what could bigger decisions do to me.

For now I am happy its over :) Good or bad..it was mine. I have 60 days to justify my pick, I hope to beat the deadline. I hope to replace the bad after taste of decision making that lingers from past by the aroma of success :)

Is it too much too much to ask for?

I feel better :)

I had one of the most memorable Sundays in Manchester, The Sunday service, the China town trip, the incessant snow (The longest in Manchester - hasnt stopped in 24 hours), the Indo-Chinese dinner..Wonderful !

May be this time I started on the right note. 

Classes start tomorrow, I dont think that is fair - Gimme a break!! Never mind though..I need to learn to have fun @ work (Sounds so corporate ;) ) 

Do we have a choice to start over again?

I believe its only glamorous film stars who claim that "Even if given a chance to start all over again, I would still live the same life". Most of us, (OK no generalisations) I have a tinge to do several or most parts of my life again. Does this reflect remorse? Guilt? Ambitions? lack of faith? Or the desperation to set things right. Call it what you may but I want a Take 2. 

There are plenty of relationships to correct. I guess I have always been a little too intolerant in relations and/or lacked the effort to make it work. I get suffocated too soon, and this has cost me more than I could bargain for. Instead of space I end up with distance. I want a second chance at all of them. I want to shape them again, to be able to justify them. At some point or other I have failed the most important people in my life, I want to make it up. Could "oblivious" work for me? I wish it could. There is a lot to be erased and a lot to be written. Conversations that end up being dead arguments, misunderstandings and presumptions..I need to Cntrl + Z.

There are plenty of opportunities I feel I closed my doors on, right in their face. Messing up with the pre-graduation aspirations, something which led to some of the most dramatic events of my life both - in terms of what could be and what it came to be. If I were to blame destiny for the turn of events then probably this phase of my life was written by Satan himself. But I don't blame a bad author for my mistakes. The irreparable damage cannot be patched. It needs to be re-done. History repeats until deliberately made otherwise. I goofed up at the time of graduation as well. Making the easy choices is never the easy way out. Too late for the gyan though. 

Today its another world, another story but the damage has not been healed. Can I hope for a fresh start as I end this phase? Please? Can you ever shrug your past off the shoulders? Can you make people forget? Can you? How?? I need a re-start. I want to end this session. I want to start on a clean slate - with everyone. I want a Take 2.