Guilt and More

I did not know that I was on this mission. I am glad that I am on this mission though :) It is such a positive feeling! (As evident from my previous post) I am sort of down in the dumps currently but this realisation just made me smile. 

My lowly self is burdened with guilt today - I am guilty of not behaving properly. 

This blog has been subject to similar posts previously - full of bitterness etc. But this I think time it is a mixed bag. Let's get the bitterness out first so that we can end on a positive!

Bad behaviour: I am guilty of being (p)rudish to people whom I have no business to throw it at. They are ,under no circumstances, obliged to take my tantrums and I gave them some tonight. It feels terribly terribly wrong. However hard I try, I don't think so I will be getting out of it any time soon. May be my guilt will drive me to do something more tangible - box of chocolates? Home cooked something? I don't know if I will even get a chance to do this or not! Miserable me :((

Good observation: I am sure Dad will disapprove of my behaviour. But in his heart he will be extremely satisfied that I was a human being aware enough to be able to catch myself on something so easily missable. 

Parents have taught us good from bad. Dad has always worked on us with the intention that we are aware of our actions. If we are aware of our action then only we will not do bad. But if we are not aware of what we are doing, we will never notice the bad and never correct it. Hence, I am wee bit glad that I was able to notice , even though couldn't correct myself in time. As they say practise makes a woman perfect. 

I so want to discuss this with someone who understand this. I know husband/mother/sister wouldn't. And Dad will emphasise only on telling me off for the bad part. (He generally keeps the good things about us to himself :D) But guess that's what journals & blogs are for!

I have confessed to the world now - guilt please go!

Continued Turmoil

Last couple of weeks have been full of discontent. I can't put a finger on which thing/action/person I am not satisfied with but I just feel unsatisfied. I have this sense of 'stuff' missing but I don't know exactly what.

This is not a good place to be in. It makes me irritable and unfriendly - which I am not!

I know I want to get out of this mode, but it is such vicious cycle. Things which wouldn't otherwise upset me cause me to get depressed or because I am depressed things just upset me. I am not even sure which way around it is anymore. I just feel too constrained, too helpless with everything. There are things I want to do but I cant, there are people I want to be with but I cant and there are things that I don't want to do but have to. The list is just endless. 

But then, isn't each one of us facing similar situations every single day? Who would toil for hours for the peanuts we get in return & still we do. Who would not want to have fun with family but we still live apart. Then why can't I handle it? There isn't a lot of difference in my circumstances and I have been through similar phases in past then why do I feel so anxious this time? I don't have a clue!!! Perhaps this what is making it worse :(

Thank You, Ms. Lee

I don't really know what to say in appreciation of this book which is not already said. To Kill A Mocking Bird is a beauty and it is a must read. It is as good for a novice reader as it is for a voracious one. It deals with one of the gravest subjects of its time and yet has the lightness of a playtime tale of 3 young children. Rarely  a book has so many qualities as this one. The edition I had been reading had quoted a newspaper - 'No one ever forgets this book' & I couldn't agree more.

Each of the characters in the book have their special place, even when talking of the whole county it never feels crowded.  Scout - I wish I were like her, Jem - such smartness and Dill - the spirit of the curious! If I start writing about the characters here, then even one left out would be unfair. But that wouldn't stop me from writing for as many -

Cal - the perfect housekeeper and nurse, Miss Maudie - ahead of her times and Aunt Alexandra the perfect left over from past. Boo Radley - children's guardian angel and Mrs. D  the relic.

Mr. Tate, Mr. Underwood and Mr. Deas all playing crucial parts - none too overpowering and none complete without the other. Judge Taylor - intriguingly alert even when half asleep!

Atticus Finch - the most realistic of literary heroes in my mind. A single parent, balancing his ethos as well as affection to perfection. Points of view may differ on his parenting but no one can deny his pearls of wisdom.

Lee is such a maverick! To have told the story of racial bias through the eyes of a 'not-yet' 9 year old while not losing the gravity of the situation. Chemistry between Atticus and his children is enviable (if that's a word!). It is amazing how everyday conversations with one's parents make the very being of our lives later. As I write this, I am reflecting on the numerous times when my father has given me similar 'gyan'. & Neither have I been appreciative at all times nor as absorbent as Jem and Scout. But I hope things are registered in the sub-conscious. It is the wealth of experience which makes us the richest.

My apologies if I am more stuck to the parent-child relationship angle of the book rather than the racial injustice. Thankfully from where I see it - parent child relationships are more universal, more 'forever' than the social issue of racial discrimination. I don't deny its presence  even today but at least racism is not acceptable. It is being fought against by thousands around the world equipped with laws and media.

But what goes between parent(s) and children is not subject to such critical studies. It is often not talked about, it just how it is. So if Atticus Finch can inspire in the readers even a frail desire to be fractionally as honest as the Finches amongst family, it would be a much stronger unit!

After having completed the book, in order to quell my immediate withdrawal symptoms, I found a few things to read about Harper Lee on the Internet. It is amazing to think that the book is remotely biographical. What a character little Scout is :) Thank you Ms. Lee for sharing it with us.

PS: I mostly borrow books from the library as I had this time. But it has struck such a chord that I want to own a copy for myself :) Next induglent trip & it should be home!

Hearts Beat!

Her's with life, his with wonder :)
Another milestone :)

On another note - our's beat too - with longing.
Longing for life to kickstart & things to fall in place.

Longing to settle down (already? what ever happened to my traveller's spirit?!)

Spending time together does make one more emotional. Had a lovely week being a housewife :)