Mangoes & Generals

A Case of Exploding Mangoes - long listed for Man Booker Prize in 2008. That was my primary attraction towards picking it from the library. 

I often find Booker Prize winner books quite readable. Even though this one had not won it, I went ahead because of curiosity. If we don't consider Khushwant Singh as half Pakistani then it would be probably my first notable book by a Pakistani writer. 

I was curious to see how in country so strict about political censorship, can someone write a novel about one of it's longest running military ruler's visions and ultimate death. The author being an ex-Air Force man did add some insiders details to the fiction.

There were some lucid references to India but without it I guess the book couldn't have been written by the neighbour. The fact that I am trying to write about it and nothing much comes to me does speak a lot about the book. In short - 

1. My first insight into Pakistan's army/executive structure

2. Typical racy fiction of a first timer who often remain first timers (I would have compared him to Indian Chetan Bhagat had he not been an armed forces man)

3.  Some hints of a good comic timing

4. Led me into watching some more documentaries about General Zia and Bhutto 

That's it really. Typical holiday read. Nothing sparkly about this one.

Sawan

English summer this year has been a bit Indian. There have been thunderstorms and showers in late June. Just like we have in India - Monsoons. Though I still miss the smell of wet Earth. For some strange reason, even when walking on wet roads or grass, I don't feel the amazingly appealing smell of dry Earth being satiated.

Right, so in spite of the missing aroma  - there was something very 'sawani' to it. Days on which I felt like  getting out of work and just getting drenched in the rains, or dancing to some monsoon folklore :) Did it have something to do with the fact that this was my first sawan after wedding? Perhaps!

And then I was overwhelmed with all the 'sawan' gifts I received from Noida :) It was simply superb. I melted on seeing all the little things to remind me that I am married - bindi, bichiye, choori, mehandi :) All the little things to mark the occasion. 

The care with which mum remembers all that I need :) & the sweetness in which she packs them all :)

Oh! Little parcels of their (all of them really, even if most of it mum's) love :) Thank you God for giving me the world's bestest :) What more can I ask for! 

Thank you so much Mum. Sorry for being rude - but trust me I am working on it.

God bless you!!

Sevens!

On 7/7 this year, we have completed 7 months since 7th December!
 7 cheers to that :)

Writing for a Purpose

Often I read fiction which is just that - fiction. 

This time I read Animal Farm by George Orwell. This book, though sub-titled as 'A Fairy Story' is by no means a work of fiction. It has very cleverly used the setting of an animal farm to tell the makings of a (not)socialist nation. 

The edition of book which I had was perhaps meant for college reading and had an introduction explaining how to read the book. I chose not to read it. 

The fast paced book captured me - always another event in pipeline, always another development to read about. But it was not until I reached the end of the book that I saw the weight this book must have carried back in 1943 when it was first published. 

The book had an appendix - preface to the book written by the author himself for the Ukranian translation. In these 4-5 pages, he explained how his life thus far had led him to writing a sort of 'Soviet Union for Dummies' book. Orwell, being a committed socialist himself, couldn't accept the fact that people's understanding of Socialism was based on USSR of that era. He quite effectively puts forward all the things socialist which USSR was not.

I was moved by his intention behind writing a politicaly incorrect book - endangering his commercial interests. He wanted people to know what really happens behind the closed gates is not Socialism and that there are not many examples of socialist societies in the world and least of all USSR.

This brings me to the age old battle between - duties as a citizen versus our little often materialistc gains. Are we not mortals who try to achieve what we can physically during our lives? - whilst losing sight of the bigger picture? But can't both be done together? As some of the geniuses in the society have done before - so elegantly.

Thinking Aloud

An unusual post. I have been struggling with so many thoughts in my mind. It is even difficult to sleep unless it is physically impossible to stay awake. I do share most of them with S but sometimes saying also doesn't help. I am not very hopeful that writing would either but I just felt like putting them down. 

Separation anxiety - Without being aware of it, I think I am feeling very anxious about S moving to another country. Some where less accessible than now. Really, after having lived more than 7000 miles away from each other for most part of our relationship, it shouldn't matter too much to me - these 700km. But it is bothering me. The fact that it is outside of the border. 

And the fact we were meant to live together once his course ends. It seems that it may not be so soon after all. I wholeheartedly thank God for having given us this one anchor. And my sane self does realise that it is the best for us at the moment. But here I am. I want to have my cake and eat it too.

Uninterested in work - This I have been acutely aware of. Rapidly I am losing interest in what I do on a day to day basis. Of course what I am doing for past month and a half is very very different from the rest of the time at my employers' even then. I had enjoyed it initially - when there were issues, there was diagnostics and solutions. But now it feels there are too many problems, too little time for diagnosis and too few people to work on it. I don't think so it should matter to me. However, it does. I lose heart over every issue found, I lose zest with every diagnosis I make. It can't carry on like this. I need to pull myself together. As in my director's words - 'We are a small company, and we have to keep it lean - only the best stays'.

Logistics - Of finding another accommodation, another job, S's relocation, planning India trip, planning in-laws' trip and the list goes on.

Brain, please sort it out.

Stationary - the love of it!

Since childhood, my sister & I have had this strange attraction (for want of a better word) towards exclusive stationary items. I guess it would have something to do with our parents having an affinity for books and all things educational :)

From a very young age, we would both be more delighted to be left to pick and choose in a stationary shop rather than in an ice cream parlour :)) I can't put my finger on the emotion that went behind it but I have such amazing memories of the Modern Book Depot in Agra and many such special stationary shops over the years. Our eraser collection - featuring everything from bugs to burgers, shoes to lunch boxes and what not, is still growing steadily! I recently bought a vivid yellow and blue turtle :) And when I went to Selfridges , Bgham for the first time a few months ago, I ended up buying an eraser which looked like a pebble!

My sister's collection of pens was envy of many. And I have a feeling that, secretly, my father encouraged her :D 

Whenever I am out window shopping, I cannot resist going into stationary shops. They just feel so much at home, so much is still desirable even if not used as often because of computers! Hmph.

The other day whilst doing 'grocery' shopping with S, I found these - Par Avion envelopes. And I couldn't resist. I am a very very (may be a very too much!) sensible shopper. Even then, when I know I don't write many letters these days, I bought them - for my sheer love of stationary :)

Perhaps they will even motivate me to write a few more letters :)

Some day, when we will have a home-home, I am going to have a dedicated study - a place for my love of books and all things stationary :)

Picture 1 - Modern Book Depot, Agra

Picture 2 - My Par-Avion Envelopes

Sunday

My usual Sunday is made up of having formal conversation with Mum & Dad, lazy breakfast, a stroll to the high street and some cooking in the evening.

Today I did most of this but still the day felt so useless, so boring. I ended up spending hours watching tele and laying in the bed for most of the day. I absolutely dislike the feeling of wasted time. It makes me so pathetic. This plus the stress of going back to work tomorrow (it is almost a battleground these days!) made me pick up a fight with S. Good sense prevailed though and after a sudden/quick nap; without thinking , I went to the kitchen. Once again, cooking healed :) I made run of the mill weekly dinner - nothing special, yet it lent a sense of productivity to my otherwise wasted day. A strongly brewed tea made my head a little clear and less irritable.

Thankfully S doesn't sulk over my tantrums :D We were back to normal!

Then a very good thing happened - I found the way to recover my credit card's lost pin :) It instantly lifted the dullness from my mind :)

Ah! The joys of -

1. Suddenly finding something long misplaced

2. The prospect of shopping with extra card holder's discounts

3. The temptation of earning loyalty points

:) :) :) Is it only women?

Thank You God!

In just about an year since we decided to be one, life looks much brighter :)

7.6.12 marks 6 months of being husband & wife :)
Please God, now give us some time of being together in a nice hubby-wifey way :))

Thank you God, for having sorted so much of our lives!
 

Greed and Gratitude

Yesterday was a very special day. Really special indeed. I might have down played this a little but it is such a significant milestone for us!

S's efforts finally paid off - he has been offered a job which he would love to do :)

The news took a while & a bit of sharing to sink in. It was not until I heard the relief in my in laws and parent's voices that I realised the gravity of it. 

I had been a bit short sighted yesterday to think S is not coming to me, but stupid me. I can go to S!

It may be bye to UK but it is hello to bigger better things in life. I have faith. (Yes, I did suddenly realise that they have offices in America :D) Heartfelt gratitude to the Superpower! 

In every sense - I think we need to keep up our imagination (dreams) with reality :) Touchwood!!

Left Out

It is a terrible feeling. I don't know I am doing this to myself or others are doing it to me. But lately I have been feeling very left out.

There are pros and cons of living apart from family. Initially I used to feel special, more wanted, more exclusive being the only child living away from my parents. But now I feel they have moved on, they have learnt to live without me and sadly - I am merely a phone call they have to attend to.

I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Both the feeling, and the realisation that this isn't far from truth.

Guilt and More

I did not know that I was on this mission. I am glad that I am on this mission though :) It is such a positive feeling! (As evident from my previous post) I am sort of down in the dumps currently but this realisation just made me smile. 

My lowly self is burdened with guilt today - I am guilty of not behaving properly. 

This blog has been subject to similar posts previously - full of bitterness etc. But this I think time it is a mixed bag. Let's get the bitterness out first so that we can end on a positive!

Bad behaviour: I am guilty of being (p)rudish to people whom I have no business to throw it at. They are ,under no circumstances, obliged to take my tantrums and I gave them some tonight. It feels terribly terribly wrong. However hard I try, I don't think so I will be getting out of it any time soon. May be my guilt will drive me to do something more tangible - box of chocolates? Home cooked something? I don't know if I will even get a chance to do this or not! Miserable me :((

Good observation: I am sure Dad will disapprove of my behaviour. But in his heart he will be extremely satisfied that I was a human being aware enough to be able to catch myself on something so easily missable. 

Parents have taught us good from bad. Dad has always worked on us with the intention that we are aware of our actions. If we are aware of our action then only we will not do bad. But if we are not aware of what we are doing, we will never notice the bad and never correct it. Hence, I am wee bit glad that I was able to notice , even though couldn't correct myself in time. As they say practise makes a woman perfect. 

I so want to discuss this with someone who understand this. I know husband/mother/sister wouldn't. And Dad will emphasise only on telling me off for the bad part. (He generally keeps the good things about us to himself :D) But guess that's what journals & blogs are for!

I have confessed to the world now - guilt please go!

Continued Turmoil

Last couple of weeks have been full of discontent. I can't put a finger on which thing/action/person I am not satisfied with but I just feel unsatisfied. I have this sense of 'stuff' missing but I don't know exactly what.

This is not a good place to be in. It makes me irritable and unfriendly - which I am not!

I know I want to get out of this mode, but it is such vicious cycle. Things which wouldn't otherwise upset me cause me to get depressed or because I am depressed things just upset me. I am not even sure which way around it is anymore. I just feel too constrained, too helpless with everything. There are things I want to do but I cant, there are people I want to be with but I cant and there are things that I don't want to do but have to. The list is just endless. 

But then, isn't each one of us facing similar situations every single day? Who would toil for hours for the peanuts we get in return & still we do. Who would not want to have fun with family but we still live apart. Then why can't I handle it? There isn't a lot of difference in my circumstances and I have been through similar phases in past then why do I feel so anxious this time? I don't have a clue!!! Perhaps this what is making it worse :(

Thank You, Ms. Lee

I don't really know what to say in appreciation of this book which is not already said. To Kill A Mocking Bird is a beauty and it is a must read. It is as good for a novice reader as it is for a voracious one. It deals with one of the gravest subjects of its time and yet has the lightness of a playtime tale of 3 young children. Rarely  a book has so many qualities as this one. The edition I had been reading had quoted a newspaper - 'No one ever forgets this book' & I couldn't agree more.

Each of the characters in the book have their special place, even when talking of the whole county it never feels crowded.  Scout - I wish I were like her, Jem - such smartness and Dill - the spirit of the curious! If I start writing about the characters here, then even one left out would be unfair. But that wouldn't stop me from writing for as many -

Cal - the perfect housekeeper and nurse, Miss Maudie - ahead of her times and Aunt Alexandra the perfect left over from past. Boo Radley - children's guardian angel and Mrs. D  the relic.

Mr. Tate, Mr. Underwood and Mr. Deas all playing crucial parts - none too overpowering and none complete without the other. Judge Taylor - intriguingly alert even when half asleep!

Atticus Finch - the most realistic of literary heroes in my mind. A single parent, balancing his ethos as well as affection to perfection. Points of view may differ on his parenting but no one can deny his pearls of wisdom.

Lee is such a maverick! To have told the story of racial bias through the eyes of a 'not-yet' 9 year old while not losing the gravity of the situation. Chemistry between Atticus and his children is enviable (if that's a word!). It is amazing how everyday conversations with one's parents make the very being of our lives later. As I write this, I am reflecting on the numerous times when my father has given me similar 'gyan'. & Neither have I been appreciative at all times nor as absorbent as Jem and Scout. But I hope things are registered in the sub-conscious. It is the wealth of experience which makes us the richest.

My apologies if I am more stuck to the parent-child relationship angle of the book rather than the racial injustice. Thankfully from where I see it - parent child relationships are more universal, more 'forever' than the social issue of racial discrimination. I don't deny its presence  even today but at least racism is not acceptable. It is being fought against by thousands around the world equipped with laws and media.

But what goes between parent(s) and children is not subject to such critical studies. It is often not talked about, it just how it is. So if Atticus Finch can inspire in the readers even a frail desire to be fractionally as honest as the Finches amongst family, it would be a much stronger unit!

After having completed the book, in order to quell my immediate withdrawal symptoms, I found a few things to read about Harper Lee on the Internet. It is amazing to think that the book is remotely biographical. What a character little Scout is :) Thank you Ms. Lee for sharing it with us.

PS: I mostly borrow books from the library as I had this time. But it has struck such a chord that I want to own a copy for myself :) Next induglent trip & it should be home!

Hearts Beat!

Her's with life, his with wonder :)
Another milestone :)

On another note - our's beat too - with longing.
Longing for life to kickstart & things to fall in place.

Longing to settle down (already? what ever happened to my traveller's spirit?!)

Spending time together does make one more emotional. Had a lovely week being a housewife :)

Hello World!

Wow :) It is a fantastic feeling, better than fantastic even!
God bless :) :)
This is just the beginning, loads and loads more to follow :)

She is 43.

Another first!

In the last (almost) 4 months after shaadi, I have had quite a few first festivals. Some of them are special because they are first with my husband, others are special because I didn't celebrate them when single. As I am writing this, I really feel I should have made a list of all the festivals and dates with a little note on how I celebrated each one after marriage. But never mind, let's start from today. It is Gangaur today. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gangaur) It is special because only married woman do it. Since childhood, I have loved these deep fried rings of sweetened flour . I have looked forward  to eating them (i.e. waited for the festival) most years. And felt that there is something exotic about festivals which only mum can do :))

This year it was finally my turn to make my own! I woke up unusually late (BST and all that) but thankfully Mum called and got me into the spirit. I struggled a bit with all the prep but eventually managed to get this pooja done as it should have been :)

But as it turns out, my in laws didn't know about it and I felt a tiny little pang when my excitement, my celebration was a bit 'sorry what's that' for them! But hey ho, life has been good enough to give me a chance to do this & I am really happy that I did! Probably I will call Badi Mummy tomorrow to share the significance!!

It feels good!

So many people with burst fire crackers tonight, so many will visit their places of worship, and so many will fulfill what they promised to God - to bless Sachin with his 100th 100 :) :) :)
I have been an arduous cricket fan in my time, but now I am only a Sachin follower. He stands for all that is good in cricket, and for much of what is good in humans :)

Relieved that he could do it, relieved that he is still playing!

For all those who think he is selfish - please peek in your own conscience and tell me when have you done something without being motivated by a personal gain?
And what's the harm in pursuing one's dreams if that also means a fantastic cricketing status for the country at the same time?

My best wishes to all the Tendulkar fans around the world and to the Champion himself :)

Hip Hip Hurray!!!

Another useless book

May be I am being too harsh, but I could have done without reading this book in my life. I am referring to the English, August By Upmanyu Chatterjee.

I got hold of the book in an interesting way. A couple of years ago, while I awaited a net connection and library membership, I browsed through my cousin's collection to borrow a couple. English, August sounded to me vaguely familiar/heard of books and I asked if I could take it. He (understandably now) shied away from giving it to me then and I came back with A Passage to India.

Now, a married woman, when I asked for it again - he smilingly handed it over ;)

It recounts experience of a rookie/upper crust IAS officer in training in the interiors of India, set up in 1980s.

More than anything else this book is about indecision of a privileged 24 year old who has studied in a boys only boarding and graduated from Delhi University whilst enjoying all the easy come easy go pleasures of life. If I were a feminist - I would say the book is quite sexist. There are no female characters in the book besides introducing Mrs. X and Mrs. Ys as and when necessary. It is almost a puberty guide for those poor little things called young men! I think the cover page should indicate a statuary advise - 'Female readers, please avoid!' I am sure if the book was released now instead of 20 years earlier, it would have attracted much wrath from feminists.

As far as the story line is concerned - as the author repeats several times  - it is incomprehensible for me as I suspect for most Indians be - to choose to resign from a service which requires blood, sweat and tears in the first place to get through. As the book heavily quotes from other books including Geeta, it does have some profound lines scattered, but they are few and far apart.

Not a message book, not a reflective book (may be for those few who feel their trouble is to be born with the silver spoon), not an entertaining book. Just a book. Just a narrative. May be I am not a good enough reader, but not a good enough book either.

The Phantom Gang

We studied together for our 1st degree, and we came together to be a group by means of transport!

As I write this, I think the most tangible common thing amongst us was that we all travelled to college daily on the same route.

We are 9 in all. And I guess we all started in pairs or triples. Then we just coagulated to form this mammoth group. (I say mammoth, because overtime many people have said to me - that's a huge group to be as close as you guys are :)) I met 98 on the 2nd day to college (first by bus, daddy dearest dropped me the first day :), don't know why recollecting this made me smile). I had met her before, in the utterly useless coaching classes, but it was just that - we had only met. In an alien environment, it felt exceptionally friendly. We decided to travel together, and stuck by it for next 4 years!

Then I met 117 in college, she was just as she is now :) Totally a cat :P I think I am more like her than the rest.

We started on a good note and wrote many many stories together :D The troublesome twosome!!

105 - petite and polite, the one in the dariyai aasman. For her I think we just 'happened'. If we wouldn't have happened, life wouldn't have been any different. But I really took to her as my younger sister (Not sure she is younger though ;)) Protective and pushy (OK sometimes bullying too) towards her. She has a special place.

On the other side, 94 and 85 had met and been on the bus :)

For a few months, the 3 (4) of us would see and talk and meet 94 and 85 in college, until one day when we decided to travel together :) I am not quite sure how and when 74, 75 and 88 met 94 and 85. But then, when we had started travelling together, they automatically joined the circle :)

It will be 8 long years since then this summer! We have all been conditioned (I don't want to say changed) and moved on to do different things. Hardly ever any 2 of us stayed in the same city for long after college (barring 85 and 88) but we have managed to keep in touch, to still wish each other, to still write common emails and to still plan common holidays!

And I cant stop relishing this little 'kept in touch' thing of ours :)

Recently,  I realised, I might have been talking of a phantom gang - a thing of past. Not a nice thought. Not that bad either - A couple of us have gone beyond this, and got married!! Some are still very good friends. With others its takes a tiny bit more effort, and with some, one can just pick from where you left - always. So not depressed - just yet!

Appreciation

If someone was to ask me what was one sin I am guilty of - I wouldn't have any of the seven to name. It would be seeking appreciation.
I put my heart and soul in most things I do - no doubt it gives me immense satisfaction & motivation when I see the fruits but the sweetness of this fruit depends on others appreciating me.
This weakness of mine has saddened me on occasions when I should be rejoicing my hard work.
I don't like it. I should overcome it, but I am a long way from it :(
Someday I will redeem myself, but until then it is handy to have a husband who would do it for me :) (Doesn't matter even if it takes a bit of prodding, it might get better with time!)