An unusual post. I have been struggling with so many thoughts in my mind. It is even difficult to sleep unless it is physically impossible to stay awake. I do share most of them with S but sometimes saying also doesn't help. I am not very hopeful that writing would either but I just felt like putting them down.
Separation anxiety - Without being aware of it, I think I am feeling very anxious about S moving to another country. Some where less accessible than now. Really, after having lived more than 7000 miles away from each other for most part of our relationship, it shouldn't matter too much to me - these 700km. But it is bothering me. The fact that it is outside of the border.
And the fact we were meant to live together once his course ends. It seems that it may not be so soon after all. I wholeheartedly thank God for having given us this one anchor. And my sane self does realise that it is the best for us at the moment. But here I am. I want to have my cake and eat it too.
Uninterested in work - This I have been acutely aware of. Rapidly I am losing interest in what I do on a day to day basis. Of course what I am doing for past month and a half is very very different from the rest of the time at my employers' even then. I had enjoyed it initially - when there were issues, there was diagnostics and solutions. But now it feels there are too many problems, too little time for diagnosis and too few people to work on it. I don't think so it should matter to me. However, it does. I lose heart over every issue found, I lose zest with every diagnosis I make. It can't carry on like this. I need to pull myself together. As in my director's words - 'We are a small company, and we have to keep it lean - only the best stays'.
Logistics - Of finding another accommodation, another job, S's relocation, planning India trip, planning in-laws' trip and the list goes on.
Brain, please sort it out.
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