Chocolate Brownie/Cake!

Easter baking :)

Time to open my eyes

Closing eyes doesn't make things disappear, they stay there to be more hurtful next time. It's been a long time that I started doing this. Whenever I have a conversation about things I don't want to think about or be questioned about I simply make myself forget that it ever happened. Living more than 7000 miles away from family surely helps. May be it is abusing the privilege of distance. I consciously replace the thought process by watching a cookery show or cooking or reading a book or going for a stroll or anything at all. It works every time; almost to perfection. This is so much easier when I don't have to breathe in the atmosphere pregnant with annoyance and allegations. There is no one around to push me back into it. It is indeed very convenient. But dangerous, I realised today. It makes you leave things unsorted, pending, piling up to strike back when you are least prepared - when you had comfortably forgotten about it.

So today I decided to take stock of the situation. I should not cave in, even if parts of me see it as the easier option out. But I wont, I cant let myself down by giving up without the fight I deserve. There are times when things work in your favour and times when they don't. It's quite easy to feel great about yourself when things fall in place and let the good times get to your head. That's exactly what happened. For last year and a half, things were working out, mind you I am not throwing away the credit to destiny, it was my hard work & good times made it pay. But I guess it's time to put on the fighting suit on once more, for a tougher, longer, more critical battle with circumstances not exactly on my side.

My coversations with God 1

God are you smiling? I am sure its fun for You ;) but but..I hope You make sure its just fun for me too..You have seen me do this before..are You not bored of it?
Please keep me closer..you know when I need you to give me a tight hug!
Love you.

Contd. 23 Aug 2009
God please plase give me the mind to be able to concentrate on the dissertation for this week and wrap it off. I really really want to have some time off it in Manchester. And I am trying to beat all physical distractions. But God you will have to take care of my mind..you know how useless it is ;) Please..I hope you are not having a good laugh right now!! [The emoticon I want to use here is :P but I think you might not like it!!]

Contd. 24th Aug 2009
God that was a hearty laugh I had, thanks! And the time after that - I dont want to be this. Can you help? please. Imagine - I cant continue like this forever ;) isnt it? So please make sure I have plenty of it around me :D
And yeah, thanks for being so attentive to details - you know what I mean. I will flatter myself and think that you have all the time in the world (pun intended) to actually post url errors to me - Marvellous.
Lots of love!

Contd. 27th Aug 2009
God this better be good..I am really really tired. I dont feel like I am putting my best foot forward..I really really really need a big tight hug..please help me out..please make me work through it..please
pretty please..

Cooking!

May be the title of the blog is a give away - I love cooking. Even though I am not very frequently doing so I love the act of conjuring mouth watering, aromatic delicacies :)
I love chopping onions and chillies with the precision of millimeters (only if you have the right knife and technique) and the adventure of flash frying. I have spent a good part of my telly watching years savouring exotic dishes being made 'too simple to believe' from all over the world.

All that and more for my love of cooking later.

What made me write this post was the fact whenever I am struggling with high pressure studies my mind tend to wander away to recipes for those after assignment parties (fictional of course!).

I am in midst of writing a very crucial piece of my dissertation and thinking about shahi toasts (deep fried bread dipped in fragrant sugar syrup) and sewaiya (vermicilli in sweet milk) :) Some day I will post if I get to make any of these..for now I should go back to the dissertation.

PS: I do cook occasional special dishes, strangely never thought of blogging about it. May be I can post some pics soon :)

He should be treated

Muslim star claims housing bias

It is such a shame for people like Emran Hashmi cashing on their relegious status to secure favours like this. When I read the article I felt an acute sense of anger - bitter anger for spoiling India's image. Such stories send messages of conflicts and riots to the outside world.
Terrorisism in India is fuelled by such gimmicks. Incidences of cashing on one's minority status has far more implications than merely making Hashmi get a flat in Pali Hill. It engenders bitterness which is exploited by terrorists or riot(ers) or politicians. They leave our country vulnerable to being split open.

I sincerly hope that people and more importantly media will be sensible enough and be able to look beyond the publicity stunt. And I sincerely hope that Muslims in our country will stand against their relegion being used as a medium of making property deals.

Que Sara sara

I have got the results. People have had the celebration. I have had the messages. Why this uncertainity?

Update - 26 July 2009
Things are taking shape, its almost as certain as it could get given the probabilities of a meteor hitting earth just before I make it!

An evening in London

Venue – Bromley South, Kent
Kent is a home county for London. 7 such counties surrounding London have been identified as Home Counties which constitute some kind of a Greater London. It is similar to having a National Capital Region in India. London lies in the South East of England.

Craig: British from Preston, Lancashire (It’s the same county for Manchester). Lancashire is in North West England. The size of this island (including Ireland) is quite small; it ranks 78 on the list of countries sorted by area. The distance between Preston and London is somewhere between 200-300miles. The distance between Agra and Lucknow is 225miles. The reason for giving all these statistics in Craig’s introduction is that Craig very deeply felt that people in the North West are far better than the people in South East. I was amazed at how difference could arise within a matter of couple of 100 miles. A distance which is hardly significant in a country as large as India.
Craig quite openly expressed how ‘up in the north’ people think logically where as in the South they are so illogical. ‘It is so difficult to make them understand’. As an outsider I can never imagine one English man to be less logical than another just because he is from down South. He had been completely stressed out by the London Tube (which can be bewildering for any first timer I must admit) and almost cursed the City.
The entire ordeal seemed to be worsened by the fact that it was a sunny day at 19 degrees. He was red and sweating (like a pig?). I was quite suspicious of his several sneezes due to spreading Swine Flu.
He must have been in his late thirties and looked like one of the many victims of recession in this country. Though his demeanour was nothing like a victim. He tried to assert himself and tried to make his presence felt by asking for adjusting the air conditioning of all the rooms we were taken to, water and tea. He mentioned how much he had been working on the tests and could solve any problems thanks to his logical thinking. Even between tests he felt necessary to announce how he did so well and that it was so simple if you could just think logically.
This could well be an animated effort from the numerous videos on internet telling you to be at ease and confident about yourself at assessment centres. My reaction to him ranged from pity for he had to come to a graduate recruitment to ‘please shun this attitude’.

Imran: I cannot comment on his nationality. Reason being he had come to England as a toddler perhaps from Pakistan. He was also from Manchester, but a different Uni. I had seen him outside the venue sceptical of entering the building. Finally when he did come inside and I tried to give him a smile but he was clearly quite uneasy and started looking in a different direction after a sheepish smile. It took another boy and 10 minutes to finally get him to tell his whereabouts.
I think his appearance needs to be described here for the sole reason that it was a big part of his personality (and I doubt, his existence). He wore large glasses in an outdated frame. He had longish hair forcibly combed backwards to appear clean. He had a beard which was jet black in colour and went way down his chin. His suit gave away the fact that it was borrowed from a healthy, taller person as he was extremely thin. He was evidently a little withdrawn from other candidates and had been looking for a job for more than a year now.
I didn’t get to spend much time with him as we were divided into different groups. But as soon we were taken for the first test he folded his trousers up to reveal his mismatched socks and ankles. I do not understand this habit/requirement of Islamic dressing but it did feel a little awkward to do so in a formal environment while wearing a suit.
Imran was a kind of person whom you feel like knowing about because some how he seemed to have held so much behind those glasses and the beard.

Chaitanya: Fellow Indian from a remote place at 4 hours distance from London. I am yet to familiarise myself with the naming conventions for places in England. There is a Salford in Manchester, so I am not sure if there could be a different Salfordshire County somewhere in the South.
I saw him too, outside the venue. He sat under a tree waiting for the time to go in. I believe both of us had arrived a tad too early for British standards (You got to be on time, not a minute before not a minute late).
I suspect he made an effort to exchange a smile before going in but I escaped behind my red book. Chaitanya is from Hyderabad, AP (I can tell a Hyderabadi from a distance fairly accurately:)). He saw my name on the visitor’s books and started the conversation. He was pleasant to talk to and frankly made me ease out a bit. However during the group activity though he was unexpectedly passive. I deliberately tried to include him in the discussion on 2 occasions which I think he took pretty well.
At the end of the day we left the building together asking each other to be in touch. (Just a casual British pleasantry to exchange)
Chaitanya is pursuing an MBA and I was surprised that he applied for this job.


Daniel: British from Cambridge. Cambridge is not far from London. But it may take an hour and half with public transport. He reached late and I met him directly in the exam room. This pretty much limited our interaction.
Nothing to do with him, is my excitement of meeting anybody named Daniel. It started well before coming to UK when during one of my numerous therapeutic conversations, S(P) and I decided that I would meet a Daniel here who would be my knight and S(P) would be enchanted by a Sophie :).
So with the name Daniel I associate some expectations. And when I do meet some Daniel, I smile to myself remembering our random conversations and the good it does to me – always :)
But this Daniel seemed to be particularly unlike my Daniel. He had a running nose (another suspicion of Swine Flu) and was shivering (out of nervousness?). He had a freckled face and curly red hair. Not a fault of his of course, but somehow I feel that red hair are too doll-like. I blamed him for not being the Daniel and then laughed at my own stupidity.

Xang (assumed) and MEA (name not known) were the other 2 candidates. Xang was from Birmingham and hardly spoke. MEA (Middle East, Europe & Asia) has been so called as he appeared from a Middle Eastern country with an accent. I could be wrong and he could well be an East European with dark hair. I didn’t have much chance to talk to them.
They were pretty much a part of the group, rather than individuals.

I think the best part of coming to UK so far has been to be able to meet so many different people both in terms of nature and nationalities.

Some words

Is there a word which captures the expression of "however" as well as However? I have so many times checked out for better synonyms of words and replaced them while writing. But never for a "However". The listed synonyms include - though, but, still, yet, nevertheless etc but somehow they never are replacements for "however".

All the synonyms of money - cash, bucks, grands, quids strangely dissimilar words.

to be contd. (or updated periodically)

A letter

For the first time in 14 years, neither of your sisters is with you on your birthday.
I don't know whether that's a good thing or bad ;)
I know its not the time for some unwanted gyan so there will no preaching..but may be a little sentimental crap. You know what exams and distances can do to you. There is so much of self thinking and revisiting of memories going on.
I have always always tried to be a good friend of yours - I dont know how much did I succeed, but I really hope that you at least count me as one of the friends.
Later comes the sister or rather the elder sister - I think I kind of missed out on that one. You have hardly been treated as a younger brother - ever. From my side you are a cute little friend of mine whom I can be a good Agony Aunt to and a Horrible one too..when I keep scolding you on your silly Maths things..
You know something at times when I shout at you for being silly while doing maths (more so over Skype as I cant give you one of my deadly stares :D) I feel its the feeling that you should not at any cost be weak in maths - like me. I could never perform well in Maths, and have been frequently embarrassed in class on my inabilities. But now that I know what I could have done I feel its my religious duty to guide in the best possible way I can.

Gosh you are 14. Now that is a big number - isnt it? Next year you will be mid way through the teens! I can still imagine you as a toddler. You know - jiji & I used to flaunt you :) We had the cutest baby brother on the block after all! - It was so cool :)
You have been so much a part of our growing up even if you were born a decade later. Actually I guess both of us realised how big we were only on seeing some one so little as you :) When you came we were the responsible kids, looking after the baby. Not that we did not have enough "big girls" things before but with you it became official - we could be left at home alone while mum dad went out, we could order food and we could use the gas stove :D Honestly, not before I started warming milk for you (we didnt have the microwave then) on the gas stove I was not supposed to light a match on my own. And I must confess - at first I didnt like it - you know why should I do things for you ;) After all I had never done things before but then I guess it just comes to you naturally. I think it was with you that jiji and I knew that we can actually love somebody so unconditionally.

We made sure you had a fun time growing up too! We would make you drink Pepsi and lick ice creams when you were hardly 6 months old. We would love to shop for you - all those tiny dresses and shoes. And dress you up in weird clothes. I wish we had the mobile+camera gadget then, we could have filled the entire house with your pics.
We have always been protective of you. But I am glad the way you have turned out - not a sissy at all. You can take good care of yourself now and I am proud of it. You are the man in my life (Cant claim jiji's after she is married ;)) I want you to have all the best things in life, I want you to be the smartest kid around and I want you to be smiling always.

I wish you a fabulous year ahead and I wish that you have many many many more best birthdays coming up. For you I can never settle for anything but the best!!

H@PPY Birthd@Y to one of my most favourite persons ever :)
Love,
jiji

Reality Check

A cousin of mine just gave birth to a baby boy. I am really happy for the couple and the entire family who are jubilant on the occasion. Both the mother and son are healthy. God bless them both.

Just a little after thought - She is 23. Got married at 22 and is yet to celebrate her first anniversary.

What happens to her life? I am an engineer, worked for a year and now doing my Masters. I am yet to be convinced about marrying. Do I ask for too much or what?

Suffering from "Online Streaming" Part II

I caught the infection around 5 months ago or rather the infection was there from longer it was diagnosed then (Part I) I am on alternative therapy (Bollywood to Hollywood) but the results are not very encouraging.

A Walk to Remember
A Very Long Engagement
Pretty Woman
50 First Dates
The Lion King
Pride of Simba
The Mistress of Spices
The Notebook
You've got mail
Sleepless in Seattle
Forrest Gump

I am sure to have missed at least a couple of couples more..

Activist Investors - An unlikely introduction!

Though the teaching term officially ended a couple of weeks ago, I am still very new to finance and business. I will be taking an exam (its a seen one) on that subject in exactly 10 days (9 to be fair) and one of the questions deal with Activist Investors.

I don't know if attending a class at 9AM makes other people sleep in the class or not but for me - title holder of "Pro-at-sleeping-while-sitting-anywhere-anytime" for almost 5 years now, its health issue :))

That was a bit of justification why I am still blank about many of the concepts in this area. But tonight I got a real deep insight into what 'Activist Investors' are from a very very unlikely source. Just like yesterday - it was movie time after dinner and today it was Pretty Woman (1990)

Richard Gere is as charming as he could be as he plays the role of an Activist Investor who 'buys companies which are in trouble and sells them piece by piece to make money'. Julia elucidates - 'its like stealing cars and selling the parts'.

I am sure there is much more to the topic than Richard, but for an inspiration to know more I think he is brilliant ;)

The Mistress of Spices

As usual, I was not feeling like to start looking at dry financial reports of companies I am not bothered about but rather unusually I chose to watch a movie.

I've been watching movies on YouTube for many months now (there was even a post for it), but mostly its by chance that stumble upon some part of a movie (most movies on YT are 10 parts or more) and then go on to complete it. Tonight, I actually searched for movies to watch. This is strange for me as I am the kind of person who would feel guilty for watching films with exams lined up.

And the movie did not disappoint me. Apart from the fact that Aishwarya Rai used to be a PYT 4 years ago, the narrative is captivating. Though it is more like an occult sort of thing even for Indians - 'to see things' it was rather feel good. The spice store has been done with detailed attention to colours and looks quite an authentic piece of art. The characters picked out of streets [though they have been portrayed on screen so often now they have stopped being 'next-door' {Thanks to NRI genre of Bollywood flicks}]* have been played convincingly by many known faces.

I liked the movie for one more thing - I can tell my spices now by names and not colour :)

It was a good distraction from business but lasted only for 2 hours..I guess I should sleep now and conserve some energy for tomorrow's clash!

* Sorry for using braces within braces - I guess that was a bit of Maths in English literature :))

How-do-you-feel-when-you-dont-know-what-you-are-feeling!

Yeah Ok I know that's a very stange heading. But I am really lost. I don't know where or why. I have loads of research/reading to be done. I have books spread in front of me and several word docs open on my laptop. Still I find myself cruising through blogs..random videos on YouTube and some sites on handmade jewellery. Isn't that weird? I even watched a movie - 'A very long engagement' - First World War :O I never never watch war movies. I find them so dull and depressing, but today I just want to be busy with anything that stops me from going back to my dissertation.

I have been trying all day but can't get hold of my train of thoughts. They seem to be on a wild run today. Something is amiss, I just cant put my finger at it. May be it's the fact that I haven't spoken to my folks today or may be its just a novice writer looking for excuses to escape from work.

I want to have a lavish meal, a walk in the sun and a new dress. I want them now.

The Bargain

It was made as a teaser for our presentation on the Surveillance Society in Britan. The presentation went well; A big "Thank God" with just an overnight's effort put into it.

Music - BBC Theme

Glory Glory United!

This is not a commentary on the superb Man Utd v/s Aston Villa match played at the Old Trafford this Sunday. Its an ode to the devoted fans who make each of these match an electrifying experience for me :)

I hardly knew the difference between Soccer and Football 6 months ago. And in most matches I was not aware of the opponents; but all this changed after I saw Manchester mourning when United lost to Liverpool (4-1) on that fateful day. I had been going to the stadium for 6 months then but never did a victory strike me as much as the defeat that day. I didn't realise when I had become a hard core Man U fan ready to pick up fights with my 13 year old brother rooting for Liverpool. 

The ambiance is mind blowing, you cant help falling in love with them especially after you catch a glimpse of your team from 5 feet apart. 

Glory Glory United Indeed. 

PS: I really like this pic :) 

Digitally yours!

Half way across the globe as we chit chat using an array of latest technology, I am closer to so many of them. I wonder why distance is blamed for so many failing relationships. It feels almost magical - being able to communicate so intimately across the seas. 

When it is a tense situation you can avoid the heat, when it is embarrassing you can hide the blush and when it is emotional you can pass tears as noise. Sometimes I wonder if that is an escapist route, but then I think often looking at a picture from a distance gives you a clearer view, a better understanding. And I am sure most of us want to see what the pixels put together look like not what each pixel is. 

1. Our family can be described as one of those where protocol comes first. So, I have the 'right' to question and argue but only when prompted. Now don't be judgemental. I think we come to like this arrangement, saves a lot of useless beating around the bush and at some level sets up the order. But some how, rather dramatically this protocol seemed to have taken a back seat. With dad over the phone we have talked, discussed and laughed about things he (and I) certainly couldn't have talked about face to face. A pleasant change, which I hope wont be reversed.

2 to 10. So many of my colleagues who were well, just colleagues have become my 'online friends' if that is still a phrase :) They discuss their lives with me feeling I am at a safe distance, they confide in me as I am not close to remind them of their weakness. And I feel lucky. Isn't it amazing how professional ties are always so tense, performance pressure, appraisals and what not and all of a sudden not being in the company qualifies me to gossips, grudges and so much more. 

Life is so much different when you see the bigger picture, when you look at it from a distance. 

University Elections

Same issues, same propaganda, same campaign. Then where is the difference? May be its the fact that these posters were sincerely (and amazingly) cleaned by next morning. 

Re-discover.

Bending the rules of written English: I would like to start with a conclusion. I like to hang out / chit-chat / be around people older than me. I know that is the last thing I need to add to my already “nerd” profile. But fact remains fact. Time and again I have seen myself detached from gatherings, staring at them from the outside. I feel forced to smile at stupid jokes and make phoney conversations about the latest fads (if I am able to come up with any !!). I wonder if I am too old already or I am too laid back. May be I need to do a bit of catching up with times and update my configuration :D But I am rather happy with my PIII and 40 GB hard disk. (The system on which I type this post is Pentium Core 2 Duo with 160 GB hard disk and 2 GB RAM, this might give you an idea to the era I belong.)

So this retrospective conclusion comes from a recent weekend trip to Birmingham. I stayed with an elderly doctor couple both in their sixties and had a time of my life. We had marvellous food (I value home made Chole and chapattis as priceless ;) ) fantastic after dinner gossips and a great time at the Cadbury’s World. As I could not write as I was experiencing the delight I would like to capture it in some broken phrases.

Pleasure. Respect. Struggle.

Opulence. Care. Dignity.

Pride. Faith. Goodwill.

Amazing. Independence. Rich.

Humour. Warmth. Gardening.

Taste. Class. Love.

Mercedes. Motivation. Comfort.

Prestige. Problems. Gossip.

Plush. Interest. Discipline.

Rational. Emotional. Encouraging.

Achievement. Strength. Maturity.

Phew!

Making decisions is such a taxing activity for me. May be its something to do with the fact that I am Libran :)
A little after I finished school I have always been so apprehensive of my own decisions. It is such a contradiction of my "nature" or my "personality". I claim to be an independent soul quite untied to many of the conventional posts in life. But when it comes to taking decisions I am such a mumble fumble. I wish if somebody could decide (of course with my consent) for me and take the "associated risks" away from me.

I wonder if all of us look for a sanction of the decisions from those who surround us even if they do not make an impact on our lives? If deciding a dissertation project could be such a torture I wonder what could bigger decisions do to me.

For now I am happy its over :) Good or bad..it was mine. I have 60 days to justify my pick, I hope to beat the deadline. I hope to replace the bad after taste of decision making that lingers from past by the aroma of success :)

Is it too much too much to ask for?