Greed and Gratitude

Yesterday was a very special day. Really special indeed. I might have down played this a little but it is such a significant milestone for us!

S's efforts finally paid off - he has been offered a job which he would love to do :)

The news took a while & a bit of sharing to sink in. It was not until I heard the relief in my in laws and parent's voices that I realised the gravity of it. 

I had been a bit short sighted yesterday to think S is not coming to me, but stupid me. I can go to S!

It may be bye to UK but it is hello to bigger better things in life. I have faith. (Yes, I did suddenly realise that they have offices in America :D) Heartfelt gratitude to the Superpower! 

In every sense - I think we need to keep up our imagination (dreams) with reality :) Touchwood!!

Left Out

It is a terrible feeling. I don't know I am doing this to myself or others are doing it to me. But lately I have been feeling very left out.

There are pros and cons of living apart from family. Initially I used to feel special, more wanted, more exclusive being the only child living away from my parents. But now I feel they have moved on, they have learnt to live without me and sadly - I am merely a phone call they have to attend to.

I hate it. Absolutely hate it. Both the feeling, and the realisation that this isn't far from truth.

Guilt and More

I did not know that I was on this mission. I am glad that I am on this mission though :) It is such a positive feeling! (As evident from my previous post) I am sort of down in the dumps currently but this realisation just made me smile. 

My lowly self is burdened with guilt today - I am guilty of not behaving properly. 

This blog has been subject to similar posts previously - full of bitterness etc. But this I think time it is a mixed bag. Let's get the bitterness out first so that we can end on a positive!

Bad behaviour: I am guilty of being (p)rudish to people whom I have no business to throw it at. They are ,under no circumstances, obliged to take my tantrums and I gave them some tonight. It feels terribly terribly wrong. However hard I try, I don't think so I will be getting out of it any time soon. May be my guilt will drive me to do something more tangible - box of chocolates? Home cooked something? I don't know if I will even get a chance to do this or not! Miserable me :((

Good observation: I am sure Dad will disapprove of my behaviour. But in his heart he will be extremely satisfied that I was a human being aware enough to be able to catch myself on something so easily missable. 

Parents have taught us good from bad. Dad has always worked on us with the intention that we are aware of our actions. If we are aware of our action then only we will not do bad. But if we are not aware of what we are doing, we will never notice the bad and never correct it. Hence, I am wee bit glad that I was able to notice , even though couldn't correct myself in time. As they say practise makes a woman perfect. 

I so want to discuss this with someone who understand this. I know husband/mother/sister wouldn't. And Dad will emphasise only on telling me off for the bad part. (He generally keeps the good things about us to himself :D) But guess that's what journals & blogs are for!

I have confessed to the world now - guilt please go!

Continued Turmoil

Last couple of weeks have been full of discontent. I can't put a finger on which thing/action/person I am not satisfied with but I just feel unsatisfied. I have this sense of 'stuff' missing but I don't know exactly what.

This is not a good place to be in. It makes me irritable and unfriendly - which I am not!

I know I want to get out of this mode, but it is such vicious cycle. Things which wouldn't otherwise upset me cause me to get depressed or because I am depressed things just upset me. I am not even sure which way around it is anymore. I just feel too constrained, too helpless with everything. There are things I want to do but I cant, there are people I want to be with but I cant and there are things that I don't want to do but have to. The list is just endless. 

But then, isn't each one of us facing similar situations every single day? Who would toil for hours for the peanuts we get in return & still we do. Who would not want to have fun with family but we still live apart. Then why can't I handle it? There isn't a lot of difference in my circumstances and I have been through similar phases in past then why do I feel so anxious this time? I don't have a clue!!! Perhaps this what is making it worse :(

Thank You, Ms. Lee

I don't really know what to say in appreciation of this book which is not already said. To Kill A Mocking Bird is a beauty and it is a must read. It is as good for a novice reader as it is for a voracious one. It deals with one of the gravest subjects of its time and yet has the lightness of a playtime tale of 3 young children. Rarely  a book has so many qualities as this one. The edition I had been reading had quoted a newspaper - 'No one ever forgets this book' & I couldn't agree more.

Each of the characters in the book have their special place, even when talking of the whole county it never feels crowded.  Scout - I wish I were like her, Jem - such smartness and Dill - the spirit of the curious! If I start writing about the characters here, then even one left out would be unfair. But that wouldn't stop me from writing for as many -

Cal - the perfect housekeeper and nurse, Miss Maudie - ahead of her times and Aunt Alexandra the perfect left over from past. Boo Radley - children's guardian angel and Mrs. D  the relic.

Mr. Tate, Mr. Underwood and Mr. Deas all playing crucial parts - none too overpowering and none complete without the other. Judge Taylor - intriguingly alert even when half asleep!

Atticus Finch - the most realistic of literary heroes in my mind. A single parent, balancing his ethos as well as affection to perfection. Points of view may differ on his parenting but no one can deny his pearls of wisdom.

Lee is such a maverick! To have told the story of racial bias through the eyes of a 'not-yet' 9 year old while not losing the gravity of the situation. Chemistry between Atticus and his children is enviable (if that's a word!). It is amazing how everyday conversations with one's parents make the very being of our lives later. As I write this, I am reflecting on the numerous times when my father has given me similar 'gyan'. & Neither have I been appreciative at all times nor as absorbent as Jem and Scout. But I hope things are registered in the sub-conscious. It is the wealth of experience which makes us the richest.

My apologies if I am more stuck to the parent-child relationship angle of the book rather than the racial injustice. Thankfully from where I see it - parent child relationships are more universal, more 'forever' than the social issue of racial discrimination. I don't deny its presence  even today but at least racism is not acceptable. It is being fought against by thousands around the world equipped with laws and media.

But what goes between parent(s) and children is not subject to such critical studies. It is often not talked about, it just how it is. So if Atticus Finch can inspire in the readers even a frail desire to be fractionally as honest as the Finches amongst family, it would be a much stronger unit!

After having completed the book, in order to quell my immediate withdrawal symptoms, I found a few things to read about Harper Lee on the Internet. It is amazing to think that the book is remotely biographical. What a character little Scout is :) Thank you Ms. Lee for sharing it with us.

PS: I mostly borrow books from the library as I had this time. But it has struck such a chord that I want to own a copy for myself :) Next induglent trip & it should be home!

Hearts Beat!

Her's with life, his with wonder :)
Another milestone :)

On another note - our's beat too - with longing.
Longing for life to kickstart & things to fall in place.

Longing to settle down (already? what ever happened to my traveller's spirit?!)

Spending time together does make one more emotional. Had a lovely week being a housewife :)

Hello World!

Wow :) It is a fantastic feeling, better than fantastic even!
God bless :) :)
This is just the beginning, loads and loads more to follow :)

She is 43.

Another first!

In the last (almost) 4 months after shaadi, I have had quite a few first festivals. Some of them are special because they are first with my husband, others are special because I didn't celebrate them when single. As I am writing this, I really feel I should have made a list of all the festivals and dates with a little note on how I celebrated each one after marriage. But never mind, let's start from today. It is Gangaur today. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gangaur) It is special because only married woman do it. Since childhood, I have loved these deep fried rings of sweetened flour . I have looked forward  to eating them (i.e. waited for the festival) most years. And felt that there is something exotic about festivals which only mum can do :))

This year it was finally my turn to make my own! I woke up unusually late (BST and all that) but thankfully Mum called and got me into the spirit. I struggled a bit with all the prep but eventually managed to get this pooja done as it should have been :)

But as it turns out, my in laws didn't know about it and I felt a tiny little pang when my excitement, my celebration was a bit 'sorry what's that' for them! But hey ho, life has been good enough to give me a chance to do this & I am really happy that I did! Probably I will call Badi Mummy tomorrow to share the significance!!

It feels good!

So many people with burst fire crackers tonight, so many will visit their places of worship, and so many will fulfill what they promised to God - to bless Sachin with his 100th 100 :) :) :)
I have been an arduous cricket fan in my time, but now I am only a Sachin follower. He stands for all that is good in cricket, and for much of what is good in humans :)

Relieved that he could do it, relieved that he is still playing!

For all those who think he is selfish - please peek in your own conscience and tell me when have you done something without being motivated by a personal gain?
And what's the harm in pursuing one's dreams if that also means a fantastic cricketing status for the country at the same time?

My best wishes to all the Tendulkar fans around the world and to the Champion himself :)

Hip Hip Hurray!!!

Another useless book

May be I am being too harsh, but I could have done without reading this book in my life. I am referring to the English, August By Upmanyu Chatterjee.

I got hold of the book in an interesting way. A couple of years ago, while I awaited a net connection and library membership, I browsed through my cousin's collection to borrow a couple. English, August sounded to me vaguely familiar/heard of books and I asked if I could take it. He (understandably now) shied away from giving it to me then and I came back with A Passage to India.

Now, a married woman, when I asked for it again - he smilingly handed it over ;)

It recounts experience of a rookie/upper crust IAS officer in training in the interiors of India, set up in 1980s.

More than anything else this book is about indecision of a privileged 24 year old who has studied in a boys only boarding and graduated from Delhi University whilst enjoying all the easy come easy go pleasures of life. If I were a feminist - I would say the book is quite sexist. There are no female characters in the book besides introducing Mrs. X and Mrs. Ys as and when necessary. It is almost a puberty guide for those poor little things called young men! I think the cover page should indicate a statuary advise - 'Female readers, please avoid!' I am sure if the book was released now instead of 20 years earlier, it would have attracted much wrath from feminists.

As far as the story line is concerned - as the author repeats several times  - it is incomprehensible for me as I suspect for most Indians be - to choose to resign from a service which requires blood, sweat and tears in the first place to get through. As the book heavily quotes from other books including Geeta, it does have some profound lines scattered, but they are few and far apart.

Not a message book, not a reflective book (may be for those few who feel their trouble is to be born with the silver spoon), not an entertaining book. Just a book. Just a narrative. May be I am not a good enough reader, but not a good enough book either.

The Phantom Gang

We studied together for our 1st degree, and we came together to be a group by means of transport!

As I write this, I think the most tangible common thing amongst us was that we all travelled to college daily on the same route.

We are 9 in all. And I guess we all started in pairs or triples. Then we just coagulated to form this mammoth group. (I say mammoth, because overtime many people have said to me - that's a huge group to be as close as you guys are :)) I met 98 on the 2nd day to college (first by bus, daddy dearest dropped me the first day :), don't know why recollecting this made me smile). I had met her before, in the utterly useless coaching classes, but it was just that - we had only met. In an alien environment, it felt exceptionally friendly. We decided to travel together, and stuck by it for next 4 years!

Then I met 117 in college, she was just as she is now :) Totally a cat :P I think I am more like her than the rest.

We started on a good note and wrote many many stories together :D The troublesome twosome!!

105 - petite and polite, the one in the dariyai aasman. For her I think we just 'happened'. If we wouldn't have happened, life wouldn't have been any different. But I really took to her as my younger sister (Not sure she is younger though ;)) Protective and pushy (OK sometimes bullying too) towards her. She has a special place.

On the other side, 94 and 85 had met and been on the bus :)

For a few months, the 3 (4) of us would see and talk and meet 94 and 85 in college, until one day when we decided to travel together :) I am not quite sure how and when 74, 75 and 88 met 94 and 85. But then, when we had started travelling together, they automatically joined the circle :)

It will be 8 long years since then this summer! We have all been conditioned (I don't want to say changed) and moved on to do different things. Hardly ever any 2 of us stayed in the same city for long after college (barring 85 and 88) but we have managed to keep in touch, to still wish each other, to still write common emails and to still plan common holidays!

And I cant stop relishing this little 'kept in touch' thing of ours :)

Recently,  I realised, I might have been talking of a phantom gang - a thing of past. Not a nice thought. Not that bad either - A couple of us have gone beyond this, and got married!! Some are still very good friends. With others its takes a tiny bit more effort, and with some, one can just pick from where you left - always. So not depressed - just yet!

Appreciation

If someone was to ask me what was one sin I am guilty of - I wouldn't have any of the seven to name. It would be seeking appreciation.
I put my heart and soul in most things I do - no doubt it gives me immense satisfaction & motivation when I see the fruits but the sweetness of this fruit depends on others appreciating me.
This weakness of mine has saddened me on occasions when I should be rejoicing my hard work.
I don't like it. I should overcome it, but I am a long way from it :(
Someday I will redeem myself, but until then it is handy to have a husband who would do it for me :) (Doesn't matter even if it takes a bit of prodding, it might get better with time!)

A book not worth having written

This year's reading started with a rather sad book. I had been having trouble sleeping without a book for almost a week and it was one hasty pick from the library.

Custody by Manju Kapur. I had read other books from this author & knew a bit of her background (she teaches/taught in my sister's college). So when I saw it lying in the returned book shelf I didn't think a lot before borrowing.

However, to my huge disappointment this book was not even worth writing, let alone reading.

It feels like reading a compilation of news clippings from Delhi Times.Young adults, well educated and quickly married. Young parents, foreign holidays, quarrels and divorces. Neither the plot is not original, nor do the characters have anything original about them. Split families - torn children, why would a reader spend time reading a book when this is all he/she gets on TOI.com?

Weakest point of the book - about mid-way one of the wives reveals her intention to keep only the son from the marriage and give away the daughter for the sake of divorce. Guess what - this is what happens in the end!!

It was not expected of an author who has written some good books before (Difficult Daughters). I somehow managed to keep reading, convinced in my mind that of course the evil wife wont have her way - but no, that's what happened. No point in reading the remaining 150 pages, isn't it?

This morning when I got up, I found that hardly 50 pages more were left. So I thought well lets finish it and then begin the day. It was a bad ending & a bad beginning.

Sorry Manju Kapur, but the book doesn't work for me - at all!

Happy New Year!

As predicted, I was not able to update the blog for more than a month! But this was good busy :) So many events, so many people :)
It is good to be surrounded by your folks! And it is a bonanza if you are a bride-to-be, bride, brand new daughter-in-law, & a brand new wifey :)

After a month of the wedding, I think the best part is that I forget at times that we are married, we are so good at being friends :) (touch wood)

Here is wishing everyone a fantastic year to come ahead!

More soon.

And here goes November!

Didn't realise, but already it is less than one week before Miss Garg fly to India for the last time :)
Sad to leave S behind for so many days, specially when padayi pressure is peaking.
Well, I guess, it will be growing  up time for some one ;)

Not sure when will I be writing (properly) again. I hope I can squeeze in a couple of wedding posts but looks unlikely as the bride in a big fat Indian wedding :)

Looking forward to capturing these moments of a life time with friends & family :)
Here's wishing everyone a Merry Christmas & a very Happy New Year :) :) :)

Before October speeds by!

A lot & I really mean a LOT has happened over these past 4 weeks. Each week indeed deserves a post of its own. But I am quite sceptical of such indulgence in writing, given what my schedule has been! So here is a post which is 'dedicated' to these 4 weeks which have gone by.
Some day, when I will be able to extract a quiet hour, I am going to expand on these:

Week 1 S arrived in London. (Yes, he has :))
Week 2 We rented our first house!
Week 3 We got engaged (in person :D) & Karwachauth & Birthday
Week 4 Diwali festivities


:) :) :) This is blog #84!

The Read-Greed

2 books over 2 weeks - that's incredible given that I am working Saturdays!

I remember having written this down somewhere before, but I repeat - I think writing is equivalent in pleasure as reading, only it is more effort and hence less attractive.

For me reading is receiving, while writing is giving - some one else, something to read. And it takes a lot to be able to give more readily than take.

For last couple of weeks, my Internet usage has been limited to emails - no videos, no iPlayer and mostly no voice/video chats. So I have been lured back into the familiar world of books :) I have devoured on 2 fast paced novels both of which I think have been hugely popular owing to their succinct yet well narrated plots.

When I had finished the first book, I was totally up for writing something about it - not a review, but just recording my thoughts about it but the Read-Greed kicked in & I moved on to the next. 

I couldn't even wait to get to the library next morning, so I just downloaded a pdf :) It is one of very few books I have not read on paper. But at least I was reading.

I just finished the 2nd one, but a couple of days ago I had already borrowed 2 more books & again I cant wait to start on them!! But hey ho, at least I've managed to write something first - not about the books as I had thought but about my Read-Greed!!

PS: Just in case I don't manage to write about the books - I want to share the names here - The Kite Runner By KH and Room by ED

Think Food!

This is my book mark for the book I am currently reading. Focus is on putting on some weight without doing the hours in the kitchen. Any ideas?
Insant food. Appear!!
By the way, the book mark does work in some ways - at least I have thought of 4 different egg-free cup cakes and cakes recipes since I started with the book ;) I guess my next book mark will be - 'Do Food!'

A Lazy Sunday & A Book

There have not been very many of them this year so far. And I doubt there will be many ahead. It is hard (busy) work getting married!

After having borrowed a book from the library for well over 9 weeks(!!) I finally managed to finish it today. It was waiting for such a day I guess. When I was not jibing away to the computer or out in the market or attending to the Sunday socials. As if I was left out of all this so that I could just sit back and get absorbed in the book without any distractions :)

Well what can I say about the book - The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, a lot has been written about it already. To be honest, I had to refer to Wikipedia to recognise the portions in it which inspired the 'fatwa' against the author. As a non-Muslim person I fail to see anything anti-religion in. In fact if at all, it does through various anecdotes establishes the presence of God and His power of 'directing' the worlds we assume we are in control of.

Being a resident in a country other than my own, makes me see some of the hatred spewed for immigrants in the book. I am glad though, if anything, situation has not worsened from what was written decades ago. (The economic crisis has sprouted some debates but then they are for entirely different reasons)
The characters in the book are named after those described in the Quran, and unless I read about them - Ayesha, Mishal, Suleman etc. I might not completely understand the links the author was trying to establish. For me, each of the character described are not separate people but facets of an average human being - jealously in Gibreel, revenge in Chamcha, insecurities in Allie, greed in Changez and so on. I must say I am yet to come across any other account of human nature/mind in such details. Impressed.

The book is definitely a heavy read and perhaps a re-read, but for sure it has the content to deserve it. It is my second Rushdie (Midnight's Children was first & liked better because of the non-cryptic text) and I have not been disappointed. (Even if for non-Quran reading folks like me will have to keep going back to Google to get the connections sorted!)

By the way, while I was reading, the clouds came & rained. Guess it is time for me to hit the high street :)

Cross

That's what I feel with all these tasks in 'Pending' list. I have always been a very 'To Do List' kind of person. Since school times I remember having a very well organised 'diary' listing all the subjects (in order of the timetable) and homework. There were even entries with 'no work' for subjects I didn't get homework for!

Then there were exam times with the whole printed syllabus as a huge 'to-do'. I must say it worked very well for me. I would try and allocate time to each portion (pessimistic estimates, so that I can be pleased with myself when I finish something earlier than scheduled ;)). It made me want to get another thing 'done'. Big motivation. And the pleasure of tearing off the 'completed' list. Ah!

It is not much different at work. I still try and make my things to do list every morning. But most days I get deflected into other stuff. My to-do list gets extended over a period of days. Though this is not how I would prefer it, but as long as things keep getting removed I don't really mind.

However, even after giving myself a list of things almost religiously for over a decade work-wise, I haven't been able to get this going in my personal life very efficiently. In last 3-4 months there are things which are just getting piled up, some things due to lack of attention from others and others due to my lack of attention/motivation. Irritating state of things to be least.
After almost a month of leaving the Internet connection to sort itself out, I had to jump in. Result - nothing has moved in 1 month. Status = Pending. Arrggghhh. Wish I could be more organised personally.

Then there are things which you can't do very much about other than wait. Again status = Pending. And I am crossed.

Immediate solution - switch off your brain; watch some TV.
(but there is no Internet - cross cross very cross!!)